Jeff_

Last playing day of the previous week ended pretty unfortunately, affecting me a lot, bringing different thoughts and making me feel down. Bad luck and some marginal plays. Today I really wanted to catch up and start to rise from where I am now. Starting winning, making good plays and feeling superior. Plan was to play for a couple of hours only, because I need to go to immigration for the first half of the day. Everything was successfully there but I couldn't play today. Really wanted and did my best to give me decent chances, nevertheless out of my power and control. Just unlucky wasn't possible.

Quite sad because of that, leaving me with only 4 days to play for this month. Of course that also leads me to think the results are not gonna be good and I would feel pretty unhappy with it. Wanted to win and feel nice and warm inside, make good plans for the future and have certainty because I would win another month.
Okay it is not gonna happen. Which is also a good experience to be honest and some challenges along the way. Not the worst for sure.
What is in my control? Probably not playing the best or being in an ideal state for the game. It is not fully contrable. But I can log in for a few hours, put some hands, put in some studies and reflect afterwards. Can accept mistakes and be a little bit mindful. Observe feelings in the body - tension, sensation and others. I can and should table select and also avoid playing in marginal lineups increasing variance. That's achievable and realistic. Learning my capabilities and what I can do. Learning myself!

Today I was listening to a few poker podcasts. Loved one with Topup on mechanics of poker. Seems like a smart and intelligent guy who puts in a lot of good work (his studies seem very effective and strong). Being young is also good, not necessarily because of the ability to learn and study but also because not having a lot of poker experience which is not always good. Anyway, I found many good ideas there and thoughts, about studying poker (small pots and trying to make your hands play wrong in solver), competing (regwars), risk-taking and having a healthy mindset (wanting to be the best and have confidence in yourself, curiosity and also stoicism). Enjoyed listening and learned a few things. For sure increased my motivation and interest in poker. Now I can’t wait to play, click some buttons and think about a few situations. Such a fun and joy to play poker!

Today was a tilting day and quite a lot of losing, ugly and terrifying. It is not that the day was particularly bad or eventful, just annoying spots and situations after a bad continuous run over a few weeks. Can’t do anything there and just have to take it as it is. Also checked the results, because I felt like things were not going well and I wanted some certainty and information. Wanted to feel worse or relieved. Didn’t care or could think clearly.
So far this month is slightly losing. I don’t know what to say. Can’t complain about luck or variance, can’t always win or can’t play perfectly. For sure I made mistakes and miss playing a bit. But it is not something which I could avoid.
Have around 5-6 more days to play. Want to win and that’s why I'm tilting to lose and a lot of resistance towards the present. But I can’t control the outcome, I am already doing what I can: playing my strengths and table selecting. Rest is out of my power. Will be hard to accept losing and bad results because anxiety, worry will kick in. Gonna think that I am not gonna win more and can’t beat the games. Which might be true to be honest, still those thoughts are pretty tough and painful.

Want to move up the ladder - win more, play higher and be a better player. Earn more money and get a lot of respect. From poker, you get happiness and fame. Feel better about myself and more confident.
Just some dreams and desires. Anyway, let's not fly in thinking too much. Not live in the head. Learning day by day and sometimes improving. Playing like a can and accepting what is happening. This month I played pretty much 90% nl500 which I am not sure is that good but I can make a conclusion from it. Feel like I learned a few things which before I wasn’t confident about and also got feedback from my feelings and emotions.

Good luck at the end of the month.

Bit of a worrisome and stressful week because of some real life things. Also need to do some tasks/errands and that adds up, making me feel unsatisfied and want to finish everything so no need to think more. Yeah, that’s not a pleasant situation at all. Man, it is hard to deal with pressure and ‘‘heavy weight on the shoulders’’. I noticed the quality of life has decreased and less desire to do anything. Have to force myself which takes energy.

I usually start my day with a lot of thoughts and ruminating about the future and how(when) to do certain things. Trying to be mindful and present, still oftenly slip into a thinking rabbit hole. Anyway, noticing it and bringing attention to this moment and after again falling back to thinking. When I am stressed and uncomfortable I tend to think way more and try to bring calmness and confidence by thinking or placing everything in order. Not sure if it is even working. Writing certainly helps.
On the other hand I am trying to avoid some things like news, social media, youtube videos or anything which can cause ruminating. Not always successfully but a decreasing amount of things to think about. Like football results for example (now though I become addicted to watching NBA results ahhh), or currency rate or new movies coming out. Though life certainly can become more robotic and tasteless.

First session I feel quite anxious and afraid. Fear of losing, mistakes and blunders and just playing not optimal or balanced. Fear of being feared and playing not ideally! Winning is scary because you can lose it back. Losing is also scary because damn it's gonna bring worry and alarm. Could it be due to expectations or desire to win and show good results?
Questions like that always arise in my head in those periods. Urge to win and feel special. Ego and certainty (also happiness from winning) …
Think it is always somewhat different, of course I have wishes and desires. Want to do good and that's adding up to anxiety. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, being a little bit anxious is good. It makes me focused and in shape. Like playing the highest stakes, it is interesting and challenging and feels concentrated.
But too much worry is another story.

Second session I might run out of energy, while playing with stress everything is harder and takes more. So no surprise that the 2nd session felt apathy, fatigue, lazy and slow. Not so much desire anymore and also quite little interest in thinking. Less worries and in general less emotions (not always). Like I don’t care much attitude. Prefer to be in comfort and winning just a little (Losing less mindset than winning more). Because losing is gonna hurt more than joy from winning. Losing 100$ is bring more emotions than winning 500$. First one's gonna bring discomfort and aftertaste and second no big feelings whatsoever.

There is one cheat which can open a second breath while being tired (especially mentally). I do it while playing. Just turning off sounds and closing my eyes. Imagine a peaceful sunny beach with waves. Just for a few minutes. Smell of the sea and sounds of water. White sand and clear sky. Fully relaxed.
After that small break I feel pretty fresh and good. Can continue playing and feel again involved and interested. Of course it doesn’t give a lot of energy and the effect is around 30 minutes. But it is a good thing which seems easy to do and quite beneficial.

1) I haven't watched pod, where are gonna play in order to make that amount of money (at least at this moment, we don't know the future) ?(Except ACR)
2) Do you agree that poker dream is still alive? Where poker will take direction in near future?
3) How in your opinion HS games changes over last and this year? Very tough and edges are non existant or people still missplay and don't know everything?

thank you

Epic

Today topics: motivation, goals and desires, learning from recreational players

Starting slowly this week. Today I played for 4 hours and felt like my mind is slow and something is discomforting me. Also it was similar to a feeling that I didn’t play for many days, like I was a little rusty and not fully going or into the process. But in reality I just played 2 days ago and studied the day before yesterday. Not sure if it is good or not, positive side - feel somewhat fresh and negative - bit out of game mindset.
Noticed that generally thoughts come more often and can fall into thinking. About the past, future or anything. Overthinking.
Wasn’t lucky though and in one room got bad spot after bad spot but because fresh and after days off didn’t feel so angry or irritated. Well, it was annoying but okay.

Last week I was having a period of pretty much apathy and lack of interest and motivation. Studies feel boring and routine, playing is better but also not really that exciting. Day by day - same things and pretty much not going and not seeing where to go. Where do we go from here?
Also not seeing clear goals or desire for something. Yeah, I certainly prefer to lose less than win more. I like my comfort zone and changes are very difficult for me.

Asked some questions: What do I want? 1) A lot of money? That would be awesome. But I want it, however not so badly and by a lot of money I mean a lot. And realistically in an online poker environment that amount of money does not make so many players.
2)Good amount of money? That resonates more with me. Having financial security and feeling safe is great. However it is a little bit less motivating, because lifestyle pretty much gonna be similar.
3)Being the best player? This one is clearly not my desire and I didn’t feel this way. Besides, it is not realistic. Like someone would tell me that you can become top football player or so.
4)Being a strong player? Yes, to this one I feel connected. But hard to estimate and even be motivated for long. What does it even mean to be strong?
5)Being happy? Yes, I am happy now (at most). So also can not be my target. Yeah, it can be a process of happiness, journey.
6)Being better as a person? Not so much. However, there is one thing I want to start doing. It is charity and helping others. It seems good and also feels good (can imagine the warm feeling which I am getting even by thinking about it).
7)Move up to higher limits? This one I thought about a lot in the past and day by day. Online environment is quite tough and after GG banned HS games there are no more dreams to play sky limits. Actually when GG was there, nl5000 there was pretty much terrible limit to play 😀

While writing all of that I certainly feel better and more clear. I don’t want to make some goals or set big targets. But getting an idea now where to go and which direction I want to head. For sure I love poker and it is enjoyable for me to play. For sure there are things to improve and learn. For sure possibilities. For sure the dream is alive.
Motivation will change from time to time and also goals. That’s okay, understand and accept it. Also gonna be periods of low interest and desire to do anything.

Now the last topic for today. It is learning from recreational players. Well, I wrote a lot already and feel burned out. But a few days this month I played against a very interesting player, whose style is so tilting to play against and he was pretty much crushing by the red line. The way he does some things (which are by the way mostly random and likely without knowledge, just by intuition) is super interesting. And they are working. Vs me and vs other players. Those unconventional lines are difficult to play against. Something to learn to be there.
And I will look carefully and observe, without labeling or judging. If his style is hard to cope with, it is for some reason.
As my blog suggests ‘‘embracing learning’’. That means not only from the top players but also from recreational. Pretty much anybody can teach us something and anyone doing at least one thing - super great. I’m not good player, I am learning and hopefully enjoying it.

Wish good luck to everyone!

Struggling a bit in a few areas in poker. Well, struggling in many areas actually but this one seems interesting and I have some thoughts about it.
First is a squeezed multiway spot with recreational players. Here I am not sure about preflop as well, essentially want to play slightly looser and isolate more. But on the other hand, I can't tell how good it is. Intuition might be off in that situation. And also need to know how to react vs 4bets or jams. Squeezing a lot and then overfolding vs aggression is not great at all, especially if people actually start to attack those situations.
For example CO (reg) opened, BU (rec) called, and BB (Hero) Squeeze for 14bb and on paper it seems like a great situation to apply pressure and put CO in a tough spot with many hands. But what if he is smart and figures out that we are more aggressive there and starts jamming there semi bluffs getting a lot of value because my strategy is 3bet more and after defending as usual but because I was more loose I end up overfolding.
Have more thoughts about it but I guess the best thing which I can do is just trial and error. See how people react and what hands they show and how long they think before making a decision.
But going for a small size PREFLOP there doesn’t seem nice at all, giving better odds and OOP vs 2 players is damn very difficult to play because you're gonna have a lot of medium hands and marginal decisions.

If you choose a small size PREFLOP, probably gotta bluff more POSTFLOP and generally be more willing to go for it. And yeah rec will call you with something ridiculous and gonna feel like an idiot…

Another interesting spot is pretty much any 3bet spot being deep (Like 150+ bb). Here my knowledge is very basic and those spots are super stressful for me. Because I don’t know what to do and there is a lot of money pressure (mistakes cost more and also can lose a bigger amount). Probably those crushers are very smart and experienced in deep poker that’s why they can have a high winrate and really crush recreational and other less experience people. When you play with stress and without confidence that’s a great situation to make a mistake or missplay hand based on information available. In my experience I feel very afraid and scared and try to play accurately which is interesting. If I am playing accurately I might underbluff most situations and might also overfold. Just being nitty overall. If I do play like that some other players might also be in the same boat with me, making it pretty much a great situation to do the opposite. Even recreational aggressive players are very good examples for what is possible to do in those situations…
Interesting … Got to do trial and errors

Anyway, during the day I am bringing more mindfulness and awareness. Gentle transitioning my attention to the present when I start to go deep into thinking. That happens not only before a session, but also during the breaks and even can be while playing if less action or it is boring.
Noticing spending a lot of mental and physical energy thinking and trying to solve some issues or planning in my head. But it's also not easy to not think about anything, because thoughts might come one after another. Especially more frequently when stressed, emotional or worried.

February

Win additionally a bit from untracked sites and played there more than usual, just because were good games. Looked my results 2 times after tough losses. Next day I felt more worried, stressed and troubled. For sure more discomfort and not increased confidence and happiness. Don’t know I understand that uncertainty is hard and not knowing is tough, yet I didn't get better after looking. Some months I really didn’t look at results at all but it was based on luck rather than my strength.
Tried in this month a bit and was also serious - studying, learning, observing myself, playing. Even though it doesn’t seem like a lot of hands but amount of days played and also hours are decent (for me). Had lucky moments, especially at nl1000 where all my winning pretty much came and had a few bad days. Tilted and finished some of my days with a lot of emotion and couldn’t get it off for a while, also it was difficult to concentrate after.
Felt tired and also it was difficult to rest and do nothing. Resistance!

Didn’t play nl1000 WPN, IPoker, Chico, because I was too afraid and worried that something bad would happen and after that I would feel devastated. Reason is just uncertainty and those games are more unpredictable and hard to estimate than stars for example.
Where everything is transparent and has good recreational players.

Keep learning and discovering something new, there is a lot to study and many areas where my knowledge is pretty much basic. Even areas I think I know, they are for sure worth revisiting and repeating. Besides, aggressive poker is very difficult and I’m just trying it.

Thoughts:
-Trying to show good results and good games. Projecting past results into the future.
-Very difficult and stressful games with super aggressive recreational players
- Anxiety - confidence (what will give me confidence?)
- Evaluation criteria of played hands (acceptable? Outcome can’t be criteria for bringing satisfaction and joy)
- Sometimes a simple shift of attention helps, here and now (loops, ruminations)
- In every outcome can find positive sides and something to learn (lose to value, get bluffcatched and etc)

Goals:
1)Learning and studying poker, I don’t know a lot and if I think I know, then I need to repeat and visit those topics again. Areas like deep poker, 4bet situations, 40-50bb, multiways are quite unknown.
2)Playing unknown and uncertain games
3)Rest is super important (have great example from the past)

I haven't updated my blog in quite a while. Reason for that is just not a lot of time available and spending it on other things, such as poker studies or errands related to poker. Last week was busy, many events/celebrations and I felt even overwhelmed a bit. For sure it didn’t go as planned and didn’t count stress which was frequent in that time. Last weekend I travelled to the beach and had 2 complete days off. I Drank a bit and when I played the next day I felt out of the game and slow. Which is okay, kinda makes sense. Additionally, I'm annoyed that I'm getting tired a bit faster than I want. Even sometimes I have time but because I'm tired, I can't be efficient or productive.

My motivation and interest towards poker was changing over a few last weeks, overall I can say that mostly motivated and inspired. With few down periods. Motivation certainly helps me and gives energy, also increases quality of life, which is also nice.
Didn’t spend time thinking too much about the future or what I will do next. Tried to not imagine good outcomes and achieving goals as well, because that could make me feel lazy like I have already got everything. Not wanting to live in my head and dreaming. Just playing and enjoying - it is what I want. Of course not always can enjoy and emotions from time to time kick in, also frustration and few other ‘‘negative things’’, but being reminded from time to time is very good.

Had many interesting thoughts and ideas, probably some of them already forgotten and some written in my journal. I Feel like I tend to think quite a lot during the day and worry also, which is not always bad. However, also trying to be mindful and not think/think/think because if it is way too much not gonna be great. Besides, oftenly overthinking doesn’t bring anything or solve problems. For example you can think 5 minutes about something and it will be more beneficial and clear than spending 1 hour on that. Of course the brain wants to solve issues in the head and not leave something unfinished. The finishing loop is quite nice and makes us feel at ease. But it is not always the case!

Lastly about poker: was checking top results of nl500-2000 players on WPN, GG. Seems like some people are really doing very well and show consistency even with high rake (GG) and tough lineups (WPN). That’s motivating and makes me feel like Wow - poker is such a complex game and difficult, yet possible to get what you desire - have ‘‘real life’’ examples. Always something to learn and improve (actually a lot). Those crushers are true beasts and don’t know how much they spend studying and working, but well deserved results. Of course thoughts like ‘‘ I want that too’’ might come and ‘‘envy’’ but if it does come also okay. Can’t avoid seeing and feeling.
For me I played untracked sites a bit more this month - well there were decent games so I played it. Felt alright, sometimes a bit emotional and very human wanting to win, other times detached and interested.
Few hands were interested: One that I assumed I overcalled both turn and river. But to be honest I expected to be overbluffed there so I do like my play.

Other one was I don’t even know, quite random. In multiway after I cbet small into 2 people and got a smallish check/raise. I called flop and vs check turn, put a big overbet in position :D
Supposed to make sense, just annoying to see a strong hand in his line and I never see anybody play like me so who knows reaction. Can think like I was spewing randomly.

I read one blog of a very strong and successful reg who plays nl400-nl2000. Always inspiring and motivating to see his results and volume. Actually it might work the other way around - comparison, jealousy, envy, but I don’t know for me it is not like that to him. Maybe I already fully realize that he is better in many ways and he has qualities to poker and strong sides which I don’t. That’s okay, but one of his posts stuck with me for a few days. He said: ‘‘ I looked my last year results and regwars I played on * room, turn out to be breakeven. How dumb I was and how nice to check and see it now. Next year (2025) - I will change my approach.’’
Actually those discoveries always make me think that after the fact it is easier to tell a story which we want to hear and tell ‘‘ I did these things wrong. If I don’t do them more that gonna bring good outcomes.’’ Or if you played a bad month and at the end can say - ‘‘Oh I wasn’t focused and was tired’’. ‘‘Next month I will focus better and play more!’’
Don’t know but it feels a bit weird to read like that. Kinda finding reason and telling that in the future it will change, and in the past I did wrong for XYZ reasons. Anyway I went too far. When I read his posts I also thought - okay, sounds like a smart thing to do and good observation from his side. But a few days after for me it is starting to pop up more questions - Maybe even though he played bad games and it didn’t give him anything material, but he actually improved a lot and became far stronger. Which will result greatly in the long term, besides it for sure affected his strategy and gave him experience. And January 2025 he made his best month (well deserved).
Oftenly I also find myself making a bit too fast conclusions based on short term outcomes and results. Noticing it as my quality and feature. How it looks at first does not always mean it is correct or won’t change perspective.

When I play poker somedays I feel a lot less energy and more fatigue. Like damn, it is so hard to think about decisions and not sharp at all, slow like a snail. Could be lack of energy which can also have many reasons why it is happening. From not enough rest, to spending too much during the day. Even when I have situations which are familiar because of not enough energy or stress, I can miss playing it. Also noticed it a few times and observed my feelings after. Obviously I am angry at myself for not having good focus, but at the same time it is not an easy thing to maintain a full concentration for a period of time for me.
Breaks certainly help but during the breaks also sometimes think too much which also reduces energy. In that situation I can try to be more mindful during it and not solve all issues or go over past poker hands.
Could also be a lack of interest or joy - become boring.
Could be satisfaction or happiness already - like don’t want more.

I wrote everything above yesterday and forgot to post. Well, today was quite an eventful day. A lot to reflect, think, notice and observe.
Firstly - I feel quite tired with poker, both playing and studying. Even though I didn’t play a lot this month or pushed studies hard, still it probably accumulated overtime and additionally I had other things to think of which drain me fully. My interest decreased and it is sometimes difficult to play and study, nevertheless because of my consistency and discipline I didn’t miss any opportunity to be with poker. Anytime I could’ve studied I did, the same about playing. But yeah, during the session I start to feel slow and put a lot of effort into making decisions. Really hard to focus and let yourself think about everything, something still will be missed and no fun and enjoyment in that.
Okay, with a lot of resistance I won’t study theory or go over hands for a few days. It is super tough for me and yeah, I can’t explain how difficult and how much of a challenge just to simply rest and do nothing. On the other hand I will remind myself that my study anyway not gonna be incredibly effective and in long term rest is potentially better. Also not playing tomorrow, just thursday and friday.
Secondly - got smashed today at the tables. Really badly and it felt painful. Day was so hard and it was so affecting to me. Like part of me went through all kinds of pains. Wasn’t simple bad bets or coolers, it is a spots where you might feel like getting completely outplayed and destroyed. Owned and bullied.
I’m angry, losing is hard and it was also in a short period of time. Like 3 stacks gone while playing 1 9-max table in 10 minutes. How can it be like that? What did I do wrong?
Also worry kicks in and anxiety. Want to erase that day and all the things which happened. Of course I also blame myself a bit but not for how I played, for being tired and also not having a great mindset which probably had some effect on the outcome. I don’t know if it feels like if I was fresh and in a good mindset it would’ve been much better and wouldn’t feel terrible now and having to deal and accept those hard emotions.
I did overplay a bit and tried hard which I can’t blame myself and be angry about. It is just normal and absolutely acceptable, the way I play. Annoyed and irritated with lack of energy and bad luck, it is a bit out of my control. Yeah, I did what I would always do. If I am tired or not in a good state, I'm still gonna play and I made thoughtful decisions and burned my timebank thinking. Mistakes are nothing to hold on about, they always gonna be.
Also I had some comparison tilt and envy, I admit it, and wanted good results like some other players. But accept that I am different and can’t really battle there or challenge. My skill set and the amount of tables I play are different. That’s alright, I will just do what I can and let's see. Have many ‘‘negative sides’’ but also have many ‘‘positive sides’’ and was lucky to be fair in life so can’t complain.
Yeah, not grateful at all!

Thirdly - my motivation is different day to day, hour to hour. From high to low. Just for information to myself.

Anyway, it was a long post with a lot of complaining and not always beneficial observation. Want to look at myself and what is bringing me happiness and joy. Everyone is different and has their own path.

p.s. suprisingly I didn't check results after such a big hit. I wanted to get certanity and to know how I am doing but didn't do anything - feeling like it might bring ''good emotions'', but I will accept ''bad emotions''. Anyway checking results long-term from my observation have both cons and pros which for me personally seems slightly more in a bad side.

Okay, February pretty much continues the January trend. Quite tilting, angry, annoyed, frustrated, having a heavy head and a lot of emotions. It is hard to quit tables, hard to deal with losing!
Well, it is not how I wanted it to be, but if I didn’t change anything what else I must expect? Yes, if you run ‘‘hot’’ you're gonna feel nice, ‘‘negative emotions’’ will be buried and won’t go on a surface much. Just sometimes and with less degree.
Keep working and observing!

Regarding emotions, actually they are not bad at all and make sense. I’m looking to understand them slightly better and experience them fully. No resistance or avoidance. Would be great to balance the sphere of feelings and the sphere of thought, finding peace and comfort between them. That would help to deal with stress and worries. It is quite an interesting topic and very deep. Everything interconnects in the body - thought, emotions, actions.
Ruminating as well or being stressful, it can come pretty easily and also can go away (not as easy but possible).
Think I’m on a way, with observing and understanding, accepting and moving on. Maybe not, who knows.

One observation I made: the game is very tilting if it is with aggressive recreational player, his style is annoying and difficult to play against, his run is good and nothing works from my side. How many times have I got into a situation like that and felt so overwhelmed with emotions. Impossible to quit and big desire to win, all kinds of tilts and frustration. Today I got into that game again and fortunately (because I noticed it) I lost pretty much 80% of spots vs him. He called me light when I was bluffing (but he wasn't a big station), he bet every time I didn’t have anything and avoided my slowplay. Dodged all bullets and ran over everybody. Damn, that game made me so hot headed and boiled. No bluffcatched are worked and he also bet thin for whole pot. Haha, everything to make you tilt!

I have another spot vs recreational player. He is not a station and haven’t seen him playing bad, he seemed rather knowing what he is doing.

Lastly, I didn't do anything. Didn’t add any room or play higher than 600 in other rooms. Feeling already heated and battling, takes all energy. Monday I felt non motivated or interested. Yesterday I felt super motivated and inspired. Today I’m too attached and losing is twice harder. Nothing to tell, just standard poker week.

Good luck!
Don't forget to enjoy playing and studying (saying to myself as well, it is difficult to do)

I played Friday, studied till late afternoon on Saturday and fully rested Sunday. Today I came back to play. Felt so tired and like I can't think at all. Every decision is hard and thinking is very slow and also difficult. Opposite of being fresh and sharp. Usually after the weekend and day off I feel very good and fresh. More emotional energy and the brain is easy to concentrate and has a lot of power. Today is not like that. Some spots made me realize I don’t know what to do at all and which decision is better to take. Even breaks and reducing the amount of action didn’t help fully.

Well, looking back at Sunday I didn’t do anything outstanding. Didn’t sit in front of my laptop a lot or do other tiring activities. Ohh, wait, I did overthink (not poker) recently which certainly can cause lack of energy. Besides, I have been stressed and pushed a bit too much in the past days and weeks. Also can cause burn out.

Okay, okay, everything has a reason. Can see myself not really motivated or involved for now. Also not having fun or enjoying it!
Harder to make decisions and take all information and strategy into account while playing.

January

Win little from untracked and lost a little from H2N (missed hands or etc). Overall pretty close to this picture

This month I played a lot of hours and studied as well. Sometimes I even tried too hard, which affected the quality of my life and happiness. Being very productive and running from task to task without enough rest.
Two times I checked the results after continuously losing. Was difficult and pretty hard. There were moments with really unfortunate outcomes and it stuck to me. Made me feel unlucky and a victim. Why am I losing? This is very unfair? He is running so pure!
One poker room also felt bizarre and it got on my nerves.
Accumulated a lot of emotions during the days and weeks. Actually I read my journal and so many days were irritated, stressed, tilted, angry, worried and so on. Like you put everything on the line and this matters the most! That attitude is not necessarily bad at all, just taking a lot of energy and generally tough.

Now good moments: ran quite well at nl1000 (at least it felt that way and all winning from there pretty much); good feeling towards the poker and mood; a lot of motivation and energy (but I spent a lot as well); physically also felt great!
Had tough sessions and nicely played hands. Worked (not only alone) on mindset and psychology. Accepted mistakes, losing.
Observed resistance, thoughts, overall emotional state, joy from playing.
Will keep working and learning poker, study psychology, sometimes rest and do unproductive things, learn from other players, and be mindful.

Good luck to everyone, Stay healthy

Thoughts and ideas:
Mistakes are great, it is an opportunity to learn. I’m studying
Simplifying strategy if playing multiple tables. Play as simple as possible
Resistance towards losing (time, money, opportunities)
Losing doesn’t mean failure or bad luck, it is part of the game and mathematically correct state

Goals for next month:
1. Try and see how I feel and how things will go
2. Study and learning poker, look common spots, look mistakes, look ranges and watch other players
3. Reflection, talk with myself, experiencing emotions and accepting

It is the fifth week of January. It doesn’t feel to me like this month is going too slow or it is too long. Even a bit out of time. Days changing each other, weeks… Things are pretty much the same and can’t distinguish days.
Poker looks unlucky, but again if you ask me about recent days and weeks. And especially after sessions! Overall I can’t complain about the luck, because for sure I got heater last year and things were in my favour. Highest stakes went well and the action was very good.
Just many cold runs and tilting spots and situations recently. That’s annoying and frustrating. More while playing of course, after can reflect and head is more clear so thinking much more consciously.
Understanding and accepting!

Had an observation that during the second session I felt unable to take a break after one hour. So much resistance and desire to keep playing without rest. Damn, emotions must be very strong if thinking is completely out of order. There is so little point to keep playing, pretty much taking a break and having a rest is superior. But well, it is so hard! Chasing losses and good action are quite strong arguments to forget about everything.
Sometimes as well would like to rest during the game, just close eyes and visualise something calm and peaceful. This one I use, but also not always and likely not enough.
Hmm, maybe taking a short break is considered - giving up?
Well in the first session of the day it is never a problem….

I started to get in touch with one of my contacts about anything related to mind games. Let’s go! Enough of avoiding it and thinking that things are good as it is and I can fix it myself. Let’s work on that.
I didn’t play any nl2k games this month and didnt have any desire as well. I'm a bit afraid of losing there and overall too pessimistic about my game (at least it reduces my ego), and also no game which I saw running (hah I have 2k filter only on stars). Damn, that’s also demotivating.
Good thing I observed it and can reflect as well. Maybe talk to myself and put some notes there. I said in a previous message that things actually can go really well and emotionally, yes, it is gonna be super difficult but avoiding it is going to make poker flavourless, also not a solution. Have a lot in my head to be honest. Many thoughts, many ideas…. Phew, too heavy weight
Enough for today, just drop one information about how difficult can be game:

1 Level - just one table of 6-max or 9-max, not difficult nor very aggressive, also feeling fresh and interested;
2 Level - few tables of 6-max or 9 max with good emotional state and being fresh; HU-table; difficult (annoying) 3 max; stressed, slightly tired, annoyed and feared;
Also when: no action at all; winning and running hot;
3 Level - Very high stakes game; tired, tilted, very angry; losing everywhere; a lot of difficult close decisions with mistakes already made; many tables and already stressed;
4 Level - incredible bad run; losing vs one player and getting crushed by; tired and hot headed; accumulated emotions during the day

Somedays certainly after finishing the games - feel pretty good and others might feel super tired. Based on variance which defines how many difficult spots are gonna be and how hard situations are. For example you can get one tough hand in a long time, or hand after hand. Possible get good situations to bluffcatch and lose almost everywhere or get bluffed…

Lastly I was thinking during cleaning the room, about rooms. Thought after thought I said to myself it is not bad at all to heavily bumhunt GG because they don’t care about regulars and no much opportunities there since the room already got rid of HS games. Next I could conclude that even cheating won’t be bad since they don’t need regulars and throw you under the bus in any case (or if you play too good and win too much). Next I asked ‘‘why they should even care’’ - regs are pretty much predators. Next I started to think about generally being a bad job and not producing anything.
After I did compare a bit with computer games and that some recreational players have a lot of money and just want to play for fun and enjoyment, they wouldn’t be that excited if it was some priceless chips. To bluff other players and win. Yeah, I think too much for sure

Curious what you guys thinking about players who bumhunt?
Let's say on pokerstars, gg, applications for example? Will opinion change based on site?

Another week has passed. It was an interesting one and no doubt hard. I didn’t run well nor terribly, some moments were bad and some good. Just normal variance I suppose, can’t complain much or go deeper into that. Of course it would be easier if everything was smooth but it is not about poker. Those swings make it interesting and uncertain. Sometimes I can feel bad running and other times I really feel like I am very lucky and I'm hot. Have different periods: you crush, you get crushed, in between. Also, can add a few more variations to that.
Main point I wanted to say: it can be quite easy and quite hard. No need to make a conclusion after one session, one day, one week …

At some point during this week I didn’t know what to study. Like a moment when you don’t know what to do and that hesitation feels annoying and brings discomfort for wasting time. Didn’t have an exact plan or idea but fortunately during the end of the week I found a direction to go and what needs to be done for now. Well I don’t know so many things in poker or play well, just sometimes not exactly sure where to put focus and attention. To which areas and topics. Obviously I don't want to waste time doing unproductive things. Because it's gonna bring guilt and blame.

Additionally during this week, I spent some time thinking and stressing/worrying about overall strategy. Thinking about what should work better and what I can change, where to deviate, what approach to take. Obviously those thoughts are quite difficult and unpleasant, especially if they ruminate a bit. Good thing that I also found few possibilities to go and see what will happen. Honestly not super sure about that and uncertainty also not make me happy. But I can try. Essentially just moving in the same direction I’ve been before. There are no ‘‘aha ’’ moments or great discoveries. Just a couple ideas - might be good and might not. Time will tell!

Lastly, I want to remind myself about taking risks (again). It is nice to try and who knows what is gonna happen. Doesn’t mean that something bad is gonna occur, it can totally be an excellent and awesome thing. Also time to think about adding poker rooms, action is getting dry. At one room I am going close to 0 balance, for sure I've been losing little by little over many months. Well, though nothing to tell because volume there is ridiculously low but in my memory over 6 months seems like nothing has worked and everyone is too good. Both are true, nevertheless. Maybe accumulated memories and mistakes. Time to let it go!

Hello super1234,

Certainly everything you mentioned is helping, just time passing by also helps. Maybe not as much as I would want, but slowly and step by step. After some time emotions become smaller and less attached, next - clear thinking coming back and logic, after can let go of the past and move on. Unfortunately in my experience it is hard to speed up that process, if short breaks - they might be helpful very little because just not enough time and emotions are too strong, while break also might ruminate and go over them in the head. Exercise is a lot better, because it takes your mind fully and brings something else.

Another thing I noticed last year and during the past times is a positive mindset. It is easier to deal with anger, frustration, and other ‘‘negative emotions’’, easier to accept mistakes and ‘‘bad results’’. It makes sense to me, because you can always look bright in the future and expect things to turn around. Yeah, you have a bad session now, and it is tilting but you can feel and see in the future everything is gonna be good. That gives you power and mental strength. While if you ‘‘negativity’’ it will demoralise you even more and might trigger ‘‘victim mindset’’ or ‘‘everything is terrible’’.
I wrote to myself multiple times to look at what's going on with a positive side and accept it, open minded attitude,
but easier said than done. Especially because I am catastrophic and negative in general. That could be a reason why sometimes losing is so difficult and ruins me completely. Just I don’t see anything bright in the future and short term results also don’t bring any happiness and hope. It is like hitting you twice (or even three times). And if accumulated emotions might hit even 4 times harder.

On the other hand, if they are way too positive, then they might be more lazy and have apathy towards playing and studying. It is not so clear and probably good to have balance in those.

I am comparing myself to last year a bit, which is not exactly correct. Situation is different and past as well, also the current game state. Games are harder and even if I had an edge (which I don’t think), with time it will disappear. If I was lucky (which I think) then it can’t always be like that. Also less games and it is annoying! Holiday season was very action packed, and now it is becoming dry again.

Anyway, I don’t see any reason why I don’t work with any specialist, there is nothing to hold or protect (keep). And no need to believe that things are perfect now and my game or mindset is very good. Yeah, good to feel that way and far less comfortable to know that you have many areas to improve and work.
Sometimes it is really hard to look ahead in the future with goodwill… Well, at least I said it and was reminded.
Good luck to everyone -

So tilting and annoying today. I haven’t had a day like that in a while and to be fair, the tilt accumulated from previous days that’s why it burst out today. In an absolutely perfect world probably should’ve just stopped playing at all after 1st session, but due many circumstances had to continue. Was happy to drop all tables except one and just patiently play it. If I play more - there will be more mistakes, more stress and tilt gonna increase. I’m not good at focusing on many things.

Started losing at one poker room, after it changed to another. And losing was continuous, not just a few big pots. Actually my main room I was losing for a couple days already and that accumulated overtime - coinflips, missplays and mistakes, coolers and so on.
So fed up with that! Can’t put myself anywhere.
After a cold run, It moved towards my 2nd room and the main room became lucky again. Coolers, bad beats and a bunch of close spots. I was already heated a bit so for sure dumped somewhere I could've made another choice.
I wouldn’t say it was extremely horrible, just in my head it became like that based on passive tilt.
Well I took a long break after the first session and kept playing, which was essentially whatever. Losing is too hard to take for me personally. Overtime I improved but for sure not how I wanted it to be. It is my weak side to be emotional and too affected by session results. Besides, I also watched my monthly results which I didn’t do during the session and before the end of the month. That’s already something which tells me my mindset is not great. And I don’t feel like the tilt is going anywhere. Still inside annoyed, angry and incredibly productive. Anger built extreme motivation and productivity, gave a lot of physical power and stamina. Feel like I played all day with concentration and high focus.

Not much to say and to do more:
Gonna reflect on all that happened recently (lower expectations and accepting whatever will come)
Study a bit
Take a few hours off and sleep
Tomorrow playing
No more than 2 tables and if getting heated, drop to one. Forgetting about results and everything which comes with idealisation and perfectionism. Just playing as I can, I’ve tried enough for this month.

P.S. Feel like a fish and actually not a lot of joy and happiness, more stupid feeling and grudge and displeasure. Probably also became too serios and over caring. Let's see how it will go during this week and next. Goodluck >

On a paper everything is so easy. Or we can convince ourself about future changes, easier to do something in the future than now.

Starting 3rd week of January.
Not really running any good but playing somewhat ok-ish, even though making some spewy plays. Which in retrospect looks a bit too much. Like trying hard to win pots and not always paying attention to other things. It is alright though, trying is reasonable and it is an interesting approach, not always nice but not terrible as well. Though annoying that some plays don't work. Bananas bluffs and some illogical action from my side, increasing uncertainty and can make me feel quite stupid. Especially at last session.

Few nights I had dreams about poker, in those dreams I was losing. Yesterday I saw(in dream) some bizarre hand, where in the 3bet pot 3way I lost with quads to higher quads. Felt irritated and berated my opponent, but I am not even sure we played holdem. Think that dream was about my dissatisfaction with current results and run. While playing I found myself here and there thinking about variance and being unlucky. It is just a feeling, not based on logic. If I think logically, I was quite lucky in previous months and my volume isn’t that big. So I can’t tell anything bad about luck or variance. But at the exact moment it brings discomfort.

I had such a stupid hand recently, where I misread my FD+GS to FD+OESD and jammed it into nuts in the SPR spot, where it is a super clear fold. Solver showed a massive mistake and that hand was tilting. Honestly I didn’t realise that I had FD+GS till I looked solver. And it is pretty much the second time, in October I misread GS to OESD and called a big bet after a check raise (also big blunder). Not sure it is based on what, maybe I didn’t bother looking too much and wanted to play with my hands one way. Based on my feelings, not strategy.

After losing ‘‘negative’’ thoughts visited me. For example:
1)Why do I need to take time off from poker?
2)Why do people (close) distract me from playing and don't let me focus fully?
3)Why do I have to do XYZ and can’t do poker studies instead?
4)I don’t want to change environment and my surrounding
5)Why am I so stressed and easily emotional? It is so frustrating. Never getting any better! Angry at myself
5)Angry at paying bills, travels, and other expenses.
6)Angry that people (close) don’t understand me and what I am going through.
And some more….
Base idea - I want to play ideal (perfect) poker and don’t do anything else and not be distracted at all. I don’t want any change, absolutely nothing! I want my comfort zone and that everything goes on my side.

Seems okay, I want to win of course and good things around. Want certainty and good emotions (feelings) during the day. Feel confident, motivated, interested, focused, fresh, concentrated. Play good and don’t be affected by emotions. Want to be lucky and have a good amount of action. Want no issues and a smooth environment.
That's quite a fairytale or utopia.

When I write it, I kinda see many of those thoughts have something wrong with them, or they are too ideal and unreal. And not really many have strong fundamentals. Playing a lot doesn’t bring results I would want, same as studying. I’ve done it before and I have experience. Same about not wanting change - yes I don’t want to but if last year I didn’t change anything I would be in a different place and different person. Most likely less happy than now.
It is totally reasonable to have flaws in self-talk and in thoughts, hard to always be clear in your mind. For sure impossible to suppress, block or get rid of emotions and feelings. It is good to wish nice things and luck, but important to understand that everything is uncertain and many things are not controllable. Sometimes things will be rough and in that time we can grow and improve, don't we want an easy walk? Also if it was too easy - is it gonna be interesting? If I play without stress and emotions - yeah might achieve more in the short term but will it be enjoyable and lovely as now?

It is second week of January
Wanted to write about many things to be honest and for sure some of those I already forgot. Which is alright, in some moments of the day I might feel that one thing is really important and relevant but after a few hours my thoughts about it change.

During this week and especially today I started to feel quite a bit of tension and stress. Rush and desire to do everything. I notice it not only while playing but after the session and before as well. Like constant discomfort in my body, chasing for something, feeling unsatisfied and that something is unfinished. Which is interesting, because to be honest on paper it is supposed to be less stressful than previous months (not much going on or need to be done). Maybe uncertainty about the future and worry about upcoming events (later this year) brought anxiety and stress.
Today and yesterday I felt like losing is harder to take (let it go) and more annoying and irritating to me. Reflect on myself a bit - EGO part? expectations? What do I want? How do I feel about my level of the game? How do I talk about other players? Asking myself some questions and answering them. Didn’t find anything suspicious so something more inner and deep there. Some accumulated emotions, ‘‘negativity’’, resentment, discouragement and sadness. Feel like I like to accumulate everything overtime and it's easy to be overwhelmed.

When I have some ‘‘of those emotions’’ it is affecting how I am dealing with losing, or feeling about mistakes. Especially annoying losing, which can cause tilt. Today I felt heated a bit, how this term is called in english. When you slightly start to tilt and slowly it is going on your nerves. And your strategy is becoming more aggressive, you are willing to take risks and ready to play for big pots.
Let me bring an example, like playing Stefan in his prime. When pretty much every pot is big and everything is so loose. In that situation I assume most of his counterparts are becoming heated and willing to play back. It is like I am annoyed with you and ready to fight. That’s a very good strategy to make other players feel like that, because in that situation the edge between them might increase a lot. Aggressive poker will pay off generously. Obviously you have to be quite strong with mindset and experience with your strategy. I tried to play like that last year for one session in nl200, how did it go? I started to tilt myself! My strategy and approach was decent, however my mental game was not good enough and my emotions were strong.

I wanted to study 3bets pots a bit but feel like SPR BvB spots are making me so puzzled. Like I don’t know what to do, not sure how to proceed - which size to use and which exploits. And if you don’t know and try to think that's not only stressful but also more energy consuming. So I will study it this week. Hope will remember at least something!
Well on another part, I notice that trying hard to be balanced and play ‘‘GTO’’. After spending time with a trainer and wizard. Kinda looking at things one sided - from a balance approach only, not from how people will react and do. Just how to play vs machine.
Not knowing of course how the balance strategy is supposed to look and when approximately trying to be closish makes me mess up a lot. Spending energy, overthinking and can be unsatisfied with outcomes. Especially if it is losing one.
In that situation I sometimes go over the hands of some big winners who play exploitative style. Many of those hands actually I don’t like at all but being open-minded. Probably some have not played well, but the overall approach is good. Mental game I suppose too.

Tomorrow is a new day. Want to freshen up a bit and let some weight away (irritation, tension, annoyance). Accepting losing and mistakes (playing ideally is not possible and can't always be happy with outcomes), learning while playing and observing people's reactions.

Thank you! Good luck to you -
That's right it is not easy to deal with it, also I think it depends on the person. For some it might be more difficult. And I am in that camp.
Gonna use self-talk, mindfulness, reflection and ease myself up a bit from time to time. Also other activities and hobbies. Any other advice?

Thank you everyone, for all comments and insights, for reading, for likes, for making me better and for not writing much <3
So lovely, cheers ^^
Couple of hours left for me in 2024, time for celebration and rest.
Say farewell to 2024 and welcome 2025

December

Little bit untracked but didn't affect in any direction pretty much

Quite a strange month. I have mixed feelings about it and a sad aftertaste. If something comes to my head it is the words ‘‘missed opportunities’’.
Was busy and unfortunately not with poker, had many tasks and problems to solve and felt overwhelmed. First priority was playing poker, second studying and learning, third rest, fourth psychology and blog was far behind. I could only find time for 1-3. And it doesn't feel like enough even for those. Because of other life things which had to be done.
And I started playing after 10th of December.

Didn’t play as much as I wanted, didn’t study as much as I wanted but did my best. There were mistakes, not a good mindset session, tilt and hot headed periods. Feel more irritated and annoyed than months before.
Was an enormous amount of luck (along luckiest for this year, even though I didn’t have an exact feeling always), a bit of great sessions, and a lot of love and enjoyment. Sometimes I feel so good knowing that Monday will come and I am gonna play again. So nice and so warm.

Didn’t check results, didn’t read poker news, didn’t read blogs, didn’t talk about poker much as well. Well, actually reading news and blogs is okay and even brings me inspiration and more motivation. However It might also bring EGO and higher expectations, comparing myself to other players and feeling like I deserve what they have. It's a bit detrimental. So because of that, I avoided it and skipped it. Wanted to watch podcasts but didn’t find the opportunity and time. Well next month for sure!

Few thoughts:
1)Which story do we tell to ourselves or to others after we are achieving goals and accomplishing targets?
How great are we? How lucky are we? How special and unique?
How much hard work do we put in?...
2)Want to get my money back and show my strength! But is it really a strength? Maybe ego wants to feel good, maybe we lack confidence. Possibly, strength is accepting and actually embracing those feelings, letting them be.
3)Fire inside, rush, incredible productivity. Based on anger, tilt, dissatisfaction
4)Perfectionism in things. Like it will bring control and gonna keep everything as it is. For example we are lucky now and it will be like that in the future if we do everything exactly the same (routine etc).
5)Work work.

Goals for next month:

Taking risks
Studying psychology and going over notes, asking myself some questions
Learning from other players, practise GTO trainer

Happy new year!
Wish all the nice things, good games and strong health in 2025.
Best of luck!

I maintained perspective during 2024, it was a nice ride. Enjoyable and amazing. Many interesting posts and thoughts. It is gonna take place in my heart and I am gonna revisit it from time to time. Learned so many things, wow, proud of myself and feel honoured sharing my poker journey.
From readers ' point of view it was boring and I wrote a bit too many negative posts, but it gave me perspective and I could reflect on myself. Mistakes were made, sunrun were along the way, aha moments and a lot of joy.
Love poker so much.

Feel a bit sad that I didn't write much this month. Oh, that's unpleasant. Gonna make a December report and it is gonna be it for this blog.
However, I am gonna make a new one in 2025. Probably gonna be dull like this, but I loved it and the experience was nice! Hopefully I can write oftenly.

#48

I like to compare myself and things to the start of this year. Maybe it is not so accurate or good but anyway it can be estimated. My risk taking decreased a bit throughout the year. Risk about playing higher stakes and looking for marginal opportunities. Like playing shady rooms and not so clear and transparent games.
Even if I see nl2k running now I would be like - whatever if I missed a seat I don’t bother much. But to be fair it is hard to find 2k games and less options nowadays, so can’t say it is my fault. Trying to jump into nl1k games pretty much always if it is good enough. Obviously variance there and very good players, need to keep in mind and be observant. However can learn from better players.
One thing which is important and I want to remind myself - without risk it is far more comfortable and convenient which has good/bad sides. Without trying something scary and not familiar, you can't get into some good situations. It is not about game strategy per se, but also about rooms. Who knows - how shot will go and which possibilities arise.

Nevertheless skipping GG games for sure can’t even be considered as an oversight or flaw. But not opening the nl1k lobby in some rooms, worth realisation and being aware of. Awareness and understanding.
My best month I played nl1000, but not a lot, yet results were good based on heather there. To make the best month - you need to play high and run very well. Playing more is not necessarily gonna bring more.

I noticed a few guys who 3 bet quite a bit in position. Like for example BUsCO or BUvsMP. And few guys who play like that are crushers, well it might not have correlation or be based on that. But certainly interesting and also annoying to play against. 3Bet pots are far easier to play IP, rather than OOP and need to have skills and a lot of knowledge (experience). For sure it matters and that factor adds to their winnings. Especially vs recreational players, those situations supposed to be very effective. Because isolating and playing vs wide range. At higher stakes people are more aware of that and Cold4Bet much more which is a good weapon against those isolates since it is gonna be difficult to defend properly wide range. Either overfold preflop (seems the best), either need to be making a lot of close/marginal decisions later on.
Would love to learn to play aggressively like that and pick up 3B spots IP. A lot to study and improve! From those aggressive players can learn as well.

#47
Wanted to update the blog for quite some time but my hands didn’t go in that direction. Mostly because I felt like I don't have enough time, can’t finish all tasks, can’t do what I like and enjoy, can’t put weight out of my shoulders. After vacation, I'm getting back to poker and studies and want to study more, to get confidence and to feel better while playing. More comfortable and also more interested and involved. But at the same time a few annoying and irritating things came up. It is about visas and continuing to stay without issues. I did a lot of border runs to stay longer in Thailand and now my history is not good at all. However, I have a solution for that, unfortunately it requires a bit of documents, a bit of time and a decent amount of stress. Also some money.
Well I also wanted to add some room or look into that but didn’t find any time. So playing as before without much change. Sometimes it is so hard to change even if it seems like a little thing. Resistance, discomfort, excuses!

There were also a few topick (small) I wanted to write about. First one I touched already is the feeling of not having enough time. Tasks snowballing to bigger ones, increased stress and sense of constant rush, tension in the body (head). It is not so pleasant and takes energy. Can think a lot during the day - what I need to do and how to finish it. What is the best way, how to not forget.
During the day I might feel rushed. Rushed all the time - rushed to eat, rushed to start playing, rushed to do any tasks, besides less time to rest. Actually the clear benefit of that state - is being productive, more energy and inspiration. Downsides are quite obvious - stress, feeling of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

Another thing which was in my mind for quite some time. Maybe close to one month. It is a statistic or stats. I am questioning and asking myself? Is stats important or overrated? Actually session stats for players are generally good ones and worth looking at. Of course I mean recreational players in that case. Overall stats might be also relevant but feel like giving them so much weight is a bit a lot. Well, I don’t like when I look into them so deeply while making decisions. Feel like recreational players change their style even during one session, might see some player having crazy stats but at some period of time he plays like an accurate tight player. Also I frequently saw aggressive at the first sight players who bet thinly but rarely bluff. So stats are quite important but not more than that!

This month I played for 6 days so far. Some variance kicked in, I felt destroyed in one day and next day was pure heater. Games seem good and enjoyable, have nice recreational players and decent action. I am also interested and involved in playing, yeah sometimes getting angry and annoyed and other times feel too comfortable and even lazy. Quite normal to be fair. Sessions can feel easy and other ones can feel pretty difficult. Well, let’s play more and have fun.
Didn’t try to play ideal or make the best decisions possible, making mistakes and learning. Studying makes me enjoy the game more, discovering or revisiting previously seen areas and finding something new brings a lot of satisfaction and happiness. Yeah, winning brings happiness of course, always been like that. Losing is hard and not comfortable, being stuck with those feelings is hard. It is like you want to change it, want to get rid, dissolve and overworking, pushing harder and increasing limits. Fighting hard and taking it personal.

Few hands, first is clicking buttons and second one is of course bluff and rec called with worse. That's a bit crazy outcome

November

-1200 untracked sites

Since the 22nd of November and till today I have been out of poker completely. One day I read some news and that's pretty much all. I had a vacation from poker and enjoyed things around me, travelling and many more. Was amazing and superb, felt good at most and time flew so fast. Thoughts about poker visited me sometimes and that’s reasonable, also I missed the game a bit and felt thrilled about times I will play again.
Two weeks out of poker is quite a bit of time, bring rust and something will be forgotten, also some small ideas I can’t remember. However, that’s okay and I need to fresh myself up as well. Need to look from other sides and question more, I need to learn like a first day in school and observe surroundings. Emotions are gonna be there too: frustration, tilt, anger of losing and disappointments of mistakes. That's a part of being attached and living fully, excitement and sadness, motivation and inspiration.

Feel fresh now and even writing in the blog seems easy as words come out naturally. I don’t need to think about sentences and re-read them multiple times, which is what I am doing sometimes especially after a difficult poker day or stressing out. When the mind is foggy and thoughts are jumping. One thing I am quite confident about is that this is gonna be the last month for this blog ‘‘Maintaining Perspective’’, whether I will do something after you will know later.

Thoughts about the future quite often visit me. What else I can do and where else I might find something I love and enjoy, daily happiness... Youtube, twitch, other content, there is a lot of good content about poker - theory, entertainment and others. Feels like plenty of good creators and producers. Coaches as well.
Maybe it should be something outside of poker but which suits me well - like art, photography, music. Afraid of spending time and learning from zero. Actually people who say poker gives some good skills in life, I am not sure about that. In my opinion skills are quite limited to a few areas, of course you might have great computer stamina and dedication etc. but other than that it's not easy to apply in many fields. Unless you already have been doing something (coaching, twitch ….). Poker is a lovely and amazing game and I enjoy playing it. If one day I could do something else on the side or fully, let's see.

Now a few words about November - I don't remember it well. Had ups and downs, had a little bit of health issues but finally got better and felt blessed. Poker was decently lucky but I can't remember exactly either.

One more thing since it is relevant to me. GGpoker did some changes to their VIP games and now don’t have nl5k at all I think. Which was eventually one of my goals (to play it and see). Don’t feel bad about it or upset, maybe because nl5k there wasn’t good - luck and variance. I heard even the best regs struggled to have any winrate there. Okay that’s of course bad news to read but everyone can find something else.

Few thoughts:
1) I think losing is bringing something. Maybe ‘‘negative’’ emotions and pain, feelings of regret and what I did wrong, dissatisfaction and oppression. It is like you did something stupid and it pretty much devastates you. Affecting mood and everything, leaving a negative aftertaste.
2) Just feeling healthy is an excellent thing, it is a gift.
3) Belief in rest is unproductive. When you rest you miss opportunities and hours to do something, when you rest you get behind. When you rest you get and restore energy (physical, mental, intellectual), you create new
Belief that trying hard is necessary. It won’t get control of variance, or will give exact results I want and also won’t make life ideal.
Perfectionism. Thinking that if I do everything ideally things will be good. No uncertainty and no unknown future. You do everything perfectly and life will be good under full control.
4) Making mistake doesnt mean you are bad player and gonna continue to making mistakes, it doesn’t tell that you will fail in the future.
5) Playing aggressively sometimes gonna make me feel like an idiot and absolutely wrong in my actions
6) For sure I want to win and losing brings some pain. However I will try a little to accept what's happening and be in that discomfort place
7) For sure I want to play ’’great’’, no accept that I won't be playing like that. I am learning and getting experience
8) Not afraid of being weak and imperfect

Goals for next month:
1)Playing few tables
2)Game selection
3)Reflection, thinking, psychology notes and videos, productive rest
4)Learning common spots and revisiting those already viewed

Good luck in December
Wish blessed and enjoyable month

#46
I am playing this week and after having around 2 weeks off from poker. Probably no studies as well and anything related. This week also didn’t have many hours spent studying off the tables. Many errands to do and things to think about. It is a bit stressful and today I feel a lot of tension in my body. Feel like something is bothering me and making me uncomfortable. Like I haven’t done important things and it is hanging with me until I am gonna finish it. Incompletion and dissatisfaction. Like I can't breathe in fully…
Honestly I don’t want to take time off from poker but I have to. Have good sides in that - gonna rest and clear my brain. Refresh energy and empty some space in my thinking.

Had a bit of reflection over past days. Trying to be present and in a moment. Not always successfully, the mind tends to come back to thinking and thoughts fly (what needs to be done, how it will be, what will happen, how to do it better …). While eating, while exercising and doing pretty much everything. Even at night might follow. Not blocking them or getting rid, just gently coming back to the now.
What I was reflecting on?
Belief of rest is unproductive. My feelings towards it. Though if I think about it from a logical standpoint it can break it. Don’t know but I've always thought that resting is not necessary, when you rest you miss opportunities and hours to do something, when you rest you get behind. That’s why time off feels stressful and unpleasant. Like I will forget everything and people will bypass me. Kinda not so much sense in it, but can truly believe in it. Even when writing or hearing about somebody else, certainly spotting flaws.
Belief that trying hard is necessary. Pretty much similar to what I said above. Probably have the same roots and same reasons. Essentially it is not as bad a belief, the previous one also not bad. Because it brings a lot of nice things as well. But I need to know that it is not fully correct or gonna bring certainty and safety (security). Like it won’t get control of variance, or will give exact results I want and also won’t make life ideal.
Which is bringing to another belief. This one is clear perfectionism. Thinking that if I do everything ideally things will be good. No uncertainty and no unknown future. You do everything perfectly and life will be good.
You study a perfect amount of hours, you come to play in a perfect state, your place is gonna be perfectly clean and everything around will also be ideal. Schedule nice, no issues with anything (internet, rooms), no problems with health, always good sleep and so on.
Even if it's all gonna be like that - it won’t get control of uncontrollable things. Like variance and luck. It won’t make life good and safe (just solely because of that). But it will decrease happiness and also gonna cost a lot of energy.

Need to accept those feelings and emotions. It is part of my personality and I can't call it negative or bad. They are just qualities. However, it is very nice to remind myself that some thoughts are quite flawed and don’t have anything behind them, no base and fundamentals. They're just there. I don’t know but is it similar to believing in ghosts or paranormal? If science, logic say the opposite still we can truly believe in it and disregard anything which says otherwise. Maybe not a good example.

Anyways, don’t know but before time off I feel even more motivated and interested in poker. Want to learn and I want to study. Want to play as well. There so many areas I don’t know and so much to discover. Happy to win, frustrated and sometimes angry to lose. Can be very emotional and can feel so differently. Wow, so much in it.

#45
Week or so I have some health issues. It is a bit irritating and makes me feel down. Morning I usually have a pretty good mood but it declines towards evening and when I go to sleep can be quite sad. Now I can see how good life can be and how easy to take ‘‘normal healthy’’ days for granted without any gratitude. Just feeling healthy is an excellent thing. Being able to feel good in the body is awesome. For me I always forget it and after some time don’t notice anything or be happy because of it. Even though oftenly I have some issues with health.
Need to be patient and accept whatever is going on. Can't be angry or annoyed, so just let it be. For sure it can and is gonna be more frustrating and ‘negative’ but that's how it is.

I haven't checked the results so far this month. Playing and studying, learning and learning. There are a lot of areas which I don’t know much about and a lot of situations which make me uncomfortable and lost.
Think it is quite important to always be a student and interested in learning. It humbles the ego and also makes it easier to absorb knowledge. I looked at some 4 bet pots yesterday and there was a moment when I realised I don’t know anything at all in that situation on that texture. By my feeling I assumed different flop play and my thoughts were incorrect. Totally reasonable and fine to be wrong. Learning and taking notes.
It was okay and didn’t make me any upset or frustrated. Actually even looking common spots like BUvsBB SRP for example, often I found something new or which I didn’t thought about. Also in the game I want to learn from other players, surprisingly even weak players can provide some valuable information. Let myself open to different lines, sizes and all kinds of plays.

Nowadays my posts seem more serious and informative than before. At least in my opinion. Less interesting probably and enjoyable to read. Nevertheless I am just writing thoughts and ideas, what comes to my mind and bothers me. My overall life is somewhat boring. Actually there are personal things going on which I prefer to not share. Other than that staying in Bangkok, Thailand, weekdays playing and weekend resting and relaxing. Schedule seems alright, not overworking for sure. Sometimes having some fun and unproductive activities and even a few nights drinking a bit. Not putting myself in a frame or limiting my possibilities.
I like November, autumn is taking a warm place in my heart. Even though in my home it is a dark and depressing season, it somewhat resonates with my personality. In Thailand it is always sunny though, so all seasons are similar at first glance, but in reality have differences. Quite big but not as big as Europe for example.

Allright, gotta go now and rest! Have a healthy week 😀
Don’t know but I feel like I am enjoying poker way too much. Ongoing love from the first glance, damn those 15-16 years was very nice. Since I played first hand online for money and now. What a journey! Pretty much I grew up with poker, and saw many things as my fellow colleagues. Memories, nice moments, ups and downs. Many tilt sessions and many happy days. Satisfaction from winning and sadness from losing.
Well, my motivation is high and poker is so interesting. Ohh can’t wait to play tomorrow.

Sleep zZzZ