Jeff_

#48

I like to compare myself and things to the start of this year. Maybe it is not so accurate or good but anyway it can be estimated. My risk taking decreased a bit throughout the year. Risk about playing higher stakes and looking for marginal opportunities. Like playing shady rooms and not so clear and transparent games.
Even if I see nl2k running now I would be like - whatever if I missed a seat I don’t bother much. But to be fair it is hard to find 2k games and less options nowadays, so can’t say it is my fault. Trying to jump into nl1k games pretty much always if it is good enough. Obviously variance there and very good players, need to keep in mind and be observant. However can learn from better players.
One thing which is important and I want to remind myself - without risk it is far more comfortable and convenient which has good/bad sides. Without trying something scary and not familiar, you can't get into some good situations. It is not about game strategy per se, but also about rooms. Who knows - how shot will go and which possibilities arise.

Nevertheless skipping GG games for sure can’t even be considered as an oversight or flaw. But not opening the nl1k lobby in some rooms, worth realisation and being aware of. Awareness and understanding.
My best month I played nl1000, but not a lot, yet results were good based on heather there. To make the best month - you need to play high and run very well. Playing more is not necessarily gonna bring more.

I noticed a few guys who 3 bet quite a bit in position. Like for example BUsCO or BUvsMP. And few guys who play like that are crushers, well it might not have correlation or be based on that. But certainly interesting and also annoying to play against. 3Bet pots are far easier to play IP, rather than OOP and need to have skills and a lot of knowledge (experience). For sure it matters and that factor adds to their winnings. Especially vs recreational players, those situations supposed to be very effective. Because isolating and playing vs wide range. At higher stakes people are more aware of that and Cold4Bet much more which is a good weapon against those isolates since it is gonna be difficult to defend properly wide range. Either overfold preflop (seems the best), either need to be making a lot of close/marginal decisions later on.
Would love to learn to play aggressively like that and pick up 3B spots IP. A lot to study and improve! From those aggressive players can learn as well.

#47
Wanted to update the blog for quite some time but my hands didn’t go in that direction. Mostly because I felt like I don't have enough time, can’t finish all tasks, can’t do what I like and enjoy, can’t put weight out of my shoulders. After vacation, I'm getting back to poker and studies and want to study more, to get confidence and to feel better while playing. More comfortable and also more interested and involved. But at the same time a few annoying and irritating things came up. It is about visas and continuing to stay without issues. I did a lot of border runs to stay longer in Thailand and now my history is not good at all. However, I have a solution for that, unfortunately it requires a bit of documents, a bit of time and a decent amount of stress. Also some money.
Well I also wanted to add some room or look into that but didn’t find any time. So playing as before without much change. Sometimes it is so hard to change even if it seems like a little thing. Resistance, discomfort, excuses!

There were also a few topick (small) I wanted to write about. First one I touched already is the feeling of not having enough time. Tasks snowballing to bigger ones, increased stress and sense of constant rush, tension in the body (head). It is not so pleasant and takes energy. Can think a lot during the day - what I need to do and how to finish it. What is the best way, how to not forget.
During the day I might feel rushed. Rushed all the time - rushed to eat, rushed to start playing, rushed to do any tasks, besides less time to rest. Actually the clear benefit of that state - is being productive, more energy and inspiration. Downsides are quite obvious - stress, feeling of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

Another thing which was in my mind for quite some time. Maybe close to one month. It is a statistic or stats. I am questioning and asking myself? Is stats important or overrated? Actually session stats for players are generally good ones and worth looking at. Of course I mean recreational players in that case. Overall stats might be also relevant but feel like giving them so much weight is a bit a lot. Well, I don’t like when I look into them so deeply while making decisions. Feel like recreational players change their style even during one session, might see some player having crazy stats but at some period of time he plays like an accurate tight player. Also I frequently saw aggressive at the first sight players who bet thinly but rarely bluff. So stats are quite important but not more than that!

This month I played for 6 days so far. Some variance kicked in, I felt destroyed in one day and next day was pure heater. Games seem good and enjoyable, have nice recreational players and decent action. I am also interested and involved in playing, yeah sometimes getting angry and annoyed and other times feel too comfortable and even lazy. Quite normal to be fair. Sessions can feel easy and other ones can feel pretty difficult. Well, let’s play more and have fun.
Didn’t try to play ideal or make the best decisions possible, making mistakes and learning. Studying makes me enjoy the game more, discovering or revisiting previously seen areas and finding something new brings a lot of satisfaction and happiness. Yeah, winning brings happiness of course, always been like that. Losing is hard and not comfortable, being stuck with those feelings is hard. It is like you want to change it, want to get rid, dissolve and overworking, pushing harder and increasing limits. Fighting hard and taking it personal.

Few hands, first is clicking buttons and second one is of course bluff and rec called with worse. That's a bit crazy outcome

November

-1200 untracked sites

Since the 22nd of November and till today I have been out of poker completely. One day I read some news and that's pretty much all. I had a vacation from poker and enjoyed things around me, travelling and many more. Was amazing and superb, felt good at most and time flew so fast. Thoughts about poker visited me sometimes and that’s reasonable, also I missed the game a bit and felt thrilled about times I will play again.
Two weeks out of poker is quite a bit of time, bring rust and something will be forgotten, also some small ideas I can’t remember. However, that’s okay and I need to fresh myself up as well. Need to look from other sides and question more, I need to learn like a first day in school and observe surroundings. Emotions are gonna be there too: frustration, tilt, anger of losing and disappointments of mistakes. That's a part of being attached and living fully, excitement and sadness, motivation and inspiration.

Feel fresh now and even writing in the blog seems easy as words come out naturally. I don’t need to think about sentences and re-read them multiple times, which is what I am doing sometimes especially after a difficult poker day or stressing out. When the mind is foggy and thoughts are jumping. One thing I am quite confident about is that this is gonna be the last month for this blog ‘‘Maintaining Perspective’’, whether I will do something after you will know later.

Thoughts about the future quite often visit me. What else I can do and where else I might find something I love and enjoy, daily happiness... Youtube, twitch, other content, there is a lot of good content about poker - theory, entertainment and others. Feels like plenty of good creators and producers. Coaches as well.
Maybe it should be something outside of poker but which suits me well - like art, photography, music. Afraid of spending time and learning from zero. Actually people who say poker gives some good skills in life, I am not sure about that. In my opinion skills are quite limited to a few areas, of course you might have great computer stamina and dedication etc. but other than that it's not easy to apply in many fields. Unless you already have been doing something (coaching, twitch ….). Poker is a lovely and amazing game and I enjoy playing it. If one day I could do something else on the side or fully, let's see.

Now a few words about November - I don't remember it well. Had ups and downs, had a little bit of health issues but finally got better and felt blessed. Poker was decently lucky but I can't remember exactly either.

One more thing since it is relevant to me. GGpoker did some changes to their VIP games and now don’t have nl5k at all I think. Which was eventually one of my goals (to play it and see). Don’t feel bad about it or upset, maybe because nl5k there wasn’t good - luck and variance. I heard even the best regs struggled to have any winrate there. Okay that’s of course bad news to read but everyone can find something else.

Few thoughts:
1) I think losing is bringing something. Maybe ‘‘negative’’ emotions and pain, feelings of regret and what I did wrong, dissatisfaction and oppression. It is like you did something stupid and it pretty much devastates you. Affecting mood and everything, leaving a negative aftertaste.
2) Just feeling healthy is an excellent thing, it is a gift.
3) Belief in rest is unproductive. When you rest you miss opportunities and hours to do something, when you rest you get behind. When you rest you get and restore energy (physical, mental, intellectual), you create new
Belief that trying hard is necessary. It won’t get control of variance, or will give exact results I want and also won’t make life ideal.
Perfectionism. Thinking that if I do everything ideally things will be good. No uncertainty and no unknown future. You do everything perfectly and life will be good under full control.
4) Making mistake doesnt mean you are bad player and gonna continue to making mistakes, it doesn’t tell that you will fail in the future.
5) Playing aggressively sometimes gonna make me feel like an idiot and absolutely wrong in my actions
6) For sure I want to win and losing brings some pain. However I will try a little to accept what's happening and be in that discomfort place
7) For sure I want to play ’’great’’, no accept that I won't be playing like that. I am learning and getting experience
8) Not afraid of being weak and imperfect

Goals for next month:
1)Playing few tables
2)Game selection
3)Reflection, thinking, psychology notes and videos, productive rest
4)Learning common spots and revisiting those already viewed

Good luck in December
Wish blessed and enjoyable month

#46
I am playing this week and after having around 2 weeks off from poker. Probably no studies as well and anything related. This week also didn’t have many hours spent studying off the tables. Many errands to do and things to think about. It is a bit stressful and today I feel a lot of tension in my body. Feel like something is bothering me and making me uncomfortable. Like I haven’t done important things and it is hanging with me until I am gonna finish it. Incompletion and dissatisfaction. Like I can't breathe in fully…
Honestly I don’t want to take time off from poker but I have to. Have good sides in that - gonna rest and clear my brain. Refresh energy and empty some space in my thinking.

Had a bit of reflection over past days. Trying to be present and in a moment. Not always successfully, the mind tends to come back to thinking and thoughts fly (what needs to be done, how it will be, what will happen, how to do it better …). While eating, while exercising and doing pretty much everything. Even at night might follow. Not blocking them or getting rid, just gently coming back to the now.
What I was reflecting on?
Belief of rest is unproductive. My feelings towards it. Though if I think about it from a logical standpoint it can break it. Don’t know but I've always thought that resting is not necessary, when you rest you miss opportunities and hours to do something, when you rest you get behind. That’s why time off feels stressful and unpleasant. Like I will forget everything and people will bypass me. Kinda not so much sense in it, but can truly believe in it. Even when writing or hearing about somebody else, certainly spotting flaws.
Belief that trying hard is necessary. Pretty much similar to what I said above. Probably have the same roots and same reasons. Essentially it is not as bad a belief, the previous one also not bad. Because it brings a lot of nice things as well. But I need to know that it is not fully correct or gonna bring certainty and safety (security). Like it won’t get control of variance, or will give exact results I want and also won’t make life ideal.
Which is bringing to another belief. This one is clear perfectionism. Thinking that if I do everything ideally things will be good. No uncertainty and no unknown future. You do everything perfectly and life will be good.
You study a perfect amount of hours, you come to play in a perfect state, your place is gonna be perfectly clean and everything around will also be ideal. Schedule nice, no issues with anything (internet, rooms), no problems with health, always good sleep and so on.
Even if it's all gonna be like that - it won’t get control of uncontrollable things. Like variance and luck. It won’t make life good and safe (just solely because of that). But it will decrease happiness and also gonna cost a lot of energy.

Need to accept those feelings and emotions. It is part of my personality and I can't call it negative or bad. They are just qualities. However, it is very nice to remind myself that some thoughts are quite flawed and don’t have anything behind them, no base and fundamentals. They're just there. I don’t know but is it similar to believing in ghosts or paranormal? If science, logic say the opposite still we can truly believe in it and disregard anything which says otherwise. Maybe not a good example.

Anyways, don’t know but before time off I feel even more motivated and interested in poker. Want to learn and I want to study. Want to play as well. There so many areas I don’t know and so much to discover. Happy to win, frustrated and sometimes angry to lose. Can be very emotional and can feel so differently. Wow, so much in it.

#45
Week or so I have some health issues. It is a bit irritating and makes me feel down. Morning I usually have a pretty good mood but it declines towards evening and when I go to sleep can be quite sad. Now I can see how good life can be and how easy to take ‘‘normal healthy’’ days for granted without any gratitude. Just feeling healthy is an excellent thing. Being able to feel good in the body is awesome. For me I always forget it and after some time don’t notice anything or be happy because of it. Even though oftenly I have some issues with health.
Need to be patient and accept whatever is going on. Can't be angry or annoyed, so just let it be. For sure it can and is gonna be more frustrating and ‘negative’ but that's how it is.

I haven't checked the results so far this month. Playing and studying, learning and learning. There are a lot of areas which I don’t know much about and a lot of situations which make me uncomfortable and lost.
Think it is quite important to always be a student and interested in learning. It humbles the ego and also makes it easier to absorb knowledge. I looked at some 4 bet pots yesterday and there was a moment when I realised I don’t know anything at all in that situation on that texture. By my feeling I assumed different flop play and my thoughts were incorrect. Totally reasonable and fine to be wrong. Learning and taking notes.
It was okay and didn’t make me any upset or frustrated. Actually even looking common spots like BUvsBB SRP for example, often I found something new or which I didn’t thought about. Also in the game I want to learn from other players, surprisingly even weak players can provide some valuable information. Let myself open to different lines, sizes and all kinds of plays.

Nowadays my posts seem more serious and informative than before. At least in my opinion. Less interesting probably and enjoyable to read. Nevertheless I am just writing thoughts and ideas, what comes to my mind and bothers me. My overall life is somewhat boring. Actually there are personal things going on which I prefer to not share. Other than that staying in Bangkok, Thailand, weekdays playing and weekend resting and relaxing. Schedule seems alright, not overworking for sure. Sometimes having some fun and unproductive activities and even a few nights drinking a bit. Not putting myself in a frame or limiting my possibilities.
I like November, autumn is taking a warm place in my heart. Even though in my home it is a dark and depressing season, it somewhat resonates with my personality. In Thailand it is always sunny though, so all seasons are similar at first glance, but in reality have differences. Quite big but not as big as Europe for example.

Allright, gotta go now and rest! Have a healthy week 😀
Don’t know but I feel like I am enjoying poker way too much. Ongoing love from the first glance, damn those 15-16 years was very nice. Since I played first hand online for money and now. What a journey! Pretty much I grew up with poker, and saw many things as my fellow colleagues. Memories, nice moments, ups and downs. Many tilt sessions and many happy days. Satisfaction from winning and sadness from losing.
Well, my motivation is high and poker is so interesting. Ohh can’t wait to play tomorrow.

Sleep zZzZ

#44
November is flying fast, I have a few big things coming this month, at the end actually. Nowadays just playing, learning and also spending time journaling and reflecting. What thoughts come to me and when. Trying to be self compassion and present, not judging or criticising. Also having some rest and time for myself, understanding that can’t be productive all the time and can’t be perfect as well.
For sure I can't play without losing focus and forgetting something, without mistakes and situations which are so easy to regret. Actually whenever you choose one line and it is supposed to be decent by logic, afterwards you might change your opinion to another one and feel a bit bitter. Like I could've done better and why I didn’t this time…

Kinda have observations from recent days. Observed it myself so it is a noticeable thing. As they say - ‘‘learn from mistakes ’’. When you play aggressively, especially when trying hard or chasing losses, you can sometimes pretty much run into something inevitable. Let me give you an example: One player plays only AA and when you 3betting him you always gonna get 4bet and there all your aggression will turn backwards on yourself. It is easy to forget if you are under emotions and can’t think about everything, too little space available.
I started to think about it, when I checked/jammed against a big river triple barrel and ran into stone cold first nuts. Of course there is a lack of information and uncertainty which is why I consider my play was fine and should do again in the same situation under the same circumstances. But yeah, it was interesting to think about it. There was also another situation and I jammed preflop vs big 4bet and again ran into first nuts. That's even more a situation where something seems suspicious. Anyway still better to play aggressively and do some things which you can regret afterwards than never try.

Sometimes I feel so stressed. In certain situations usually. Like playing vs ‘‘scary players’’, like when facing some aggressive player who puts in tough spots constantly and so on. It is normal and reasonable to feel this way. Just want to go slightly deeper and see what else is there:
Fear of losing? Certainly, but also I think losing is always bringing something. Maybe ‘‘negative’’ emotions and pain, feelings of regret and what I did wrong, dissatisfaction and oppression.
It is like you did something stupid and it pretty much ruins you. Affecting mood and everything, leaving a negative aftertaste.

Nevertheless, sometimes making mistakes and losing is ‘‘good’’. It can bring awarness and humble yourself. Can show that it is not possible to control everything and get the outcome you want. There is always uncertainty and risk.
Also mistakes are an opportunity to learn and move forward. Step by step and even sometimes back.

October

+600 other sites

I ran good at nl1000 and won there, especially last week I was very lucky and my plays worked too. It is certainly a nice feeling and brings confidence and safety. But I don't want to fall into a trap of high expectations or feeling too good about my game and knowledge. ‘‘Variance’’ helped me. By any means I don’t think I'm a strong player.
Mindset and psychology are gonna remain important topics for November. Want to work on it and even a small step would be an accomplishment. Also in poker theory, I want to learn one or few things. Poker is a complex game and it's easy to forget something overtime. Obviously there are so many areas to study and an infinite amount of information to look at.

Didn’t check results (except first weeks) and felt actually better than checking too often. Even though I had itchy feelings a few times and it was incredibly hard to resist. Mind gets cloudy and short term desires increase, apathy towards long term.
I definitely want to continue in the future. Less stress and generally less emotions accumulated during the week means more energy. At least it is my observation.

Another interesting thing is working on ‘‘non material things ’’like mindset and thinking about goals and poker in general. Asking some questions is also beneficial. Can’t tell how much or how important but those things are helping while playing. Can reduce stress and increase happiness, can answer some questions and get more clear about the path ahead.

Actually I stopped reading other blogs, checking results of best/top players, railing HS hands, and also generally less social media related to poker. Don’t know how I feel overall, probably (not entirely sure though) I have more emotional energy (less irritation, unhappy comparison, anger). It is just personal though, everyone is different and I totally see benefit in doing things. For example motivation might increase and physical energy and so on.

Few thoughts and ideas:
1. What I can control and what can’t: some things are really hard to accept and might be super annoying. But they are out of our reach and influence. However we have our attitude towards it
2. Acceptance and letting go - emotions, losing, feelings, mistakes, autopilot, rush, imperfection.
3. Certainty and safety. Can’t have, even though sometimes I can feel like having. Acceptance of uncertainty, unsecurity.
4. Not trying to play ideally or balanced like a solver, just without massive mistakes or super illogical decisions. Can’t remember or use everything. Don’t even know everything.
5. EGO (there are too many notes here, from talking too much or imagine achieving things and becoming lazy, to being student)
6. Idealisation and trying too hard: giving myself sometimes unproductive things I enjoy or procrastinating. Without regret or guilt. Doing less is more.
7. Being hard on yourself and self-critical

There are more thoughts and ideas which I forget, and I can't recall all the moments and everything which happened. That’s alright though. Now what I did (compare to what I didn’t do): read book ‘‘ego is the enemy’’ and another one about happiness, watched little bit videos runitonce and gtowizard, listened to couple podcasts mechanics of poker (wow enjoyed it so much, guys are legends), watched some youtube and etc (for fun, without any educational purpose), spent time with notepad journaling and online as well.

Goals for November:
1) Playing few tables
2) Acknowledge and acception of imperfection
3) Taking and embracing uncertainty and not knowing, insecurity and discomfort
4) Every week spent time with psychology notes

Good luck in November!

#43
Last week I was ‘‘working’’ with a mental game. Spent time deliberately doing non material things. Like reading journals, reflecting, asking myself some questions and going over important poker psychology notes. Actually I enjoyed doing it and even though it is hard to see the benefit and outcome, I believe it was a good experience. Another reason I wanted myself to stop going like a train and try to always be productive. Today on Wednesday I will also focus on psychology. As someone smart said: ‘‘better to rest while you still feeling okish, than when you burned out’’

Played one session at nl2000 and that was an interesting and awesome experience. Faced against some big names as well, that wasn't intimidating or I felt scared. Still was stressed and uncomfortable but because a lot of money was on the line and it is never easy to lose. Might become irritated, angry, annoyed, frustrated and so on. Might feel hot headed and ‘‘negative’’ for some time. Honestly not much happened, even though I played mostly emotionally and made decisions based on high desire to win and show myself. Like strategy very influenced by short term outcome.
My thoughts about other players were quite nice, I understand they are also humans and make mistakes, they don’t know everything and can be played against. For sure they are very good in some lines and situations but not every single one and might also be tired, bored, etc. That's gonna be to the point that I don't need to be too scared or afraid.

Today I have an interesting observation: I lost a bit but I don’t feel like I got smashed or outplayed. Actually many spots are very unfortunate and super weird. A few of them for sure should make me feel super frustrated and angry. I made some big plays and wasn’t correct at all. But I took it rather ‘‘cold’’. Yeah, clearly variance did its job but I don't know. Feel quite alright. Though I really wanted to check results and bring some certainty, during the session and at the end but again I didn’t look,as last week. Hard and uncomfortable but still going. Somedays variance is too crazy, you win in ridiculous spots and lose as well. Swingy and hitting strongly emotionally.
Hmm, however today maybe there weren't so many difficult spots and that could be the reason for feeling fresh.

Anyway I am gonna learn and move forward. There are a lot of things to improve and get better, knowledge feels infinite. Just sitting patiently and maybe get one thing done today. That would be awesome. Also while playing, learning from other players, especially those who are already successful. They are certainly doing something excellent! Some are great vs recreational players, some are good defensively, some are very strong emotionally, some can play a lot without losing focus, some quite balanced and excellent at following their range and other players, some are good with bluffcathing and herofolding and so on.

I haven't been so happy lately and feel down about my daily routine and even playing. Studying can feel like a waste of time and not bring much. Days are quite normal and not always eventful. Also miss some stuff and think about the future/past and compare it to now. Don’t know but sometimes sad.

#42
Today I felt a really big desire to check the results. So itchy and so tempting. Don’t know how I didn’t do it and remain with painful uncertainty. Yes I wasn’t so lucky today and that’s why my mind became cloudy and foggy. Can’t think too much and even simple things feel hard.
Anxious too.

Decided to not look until the end of the next week (let's see how I will do then). Whatever I will keep myself uncertain and not knowing. Let it be as it is. Of course not pleasant but yeah, some things aren’t supposed to be easy.

Today I maintained myself surprisingly well(working on mental notes helping a little), took a loss, didn’t ruminate a lot and overthink. Accepting mistakes and that it is alright to play spots incorrectly, if you make a goal to play ideally gonna stress and mess up anyway. Hard to know exactly - many small details and nuances.

#41
This week I played 3 days and basically didn’t study (less than 1 hour). Instead I went over my notes and studied my mental game. Also watched a recent podcast on ‘‘mechanics of poker’’ with an Argentinian endboss ''Schyllae''. Enjoyed it a lot, he seems like a very intelligent guy and also a great player. Especially loved a few parts: first - when he was talking about being hard on yourself, how it is actually not very productive as it seems in poker, he brought examples of professional basketball players who cultivated that mindset and achieved a lot. However it is not so clear it is solely(mainly) because of that, and besides poker is a different skillset game. I’ve been hard on myself often and I also admit it might be not beneficial. One thought though - it reducing happiness and enjoyment.
Second - he was mentioning exploiting poker and how after studying a certain spot he actually played much worse. Because he strived to make perfect decisions and that didn’t go so well. Also when you focus too much on playing the exact branch of the tree you can forget other things and play too empty.
Thirdly - about perfectionism. A lot of great thoughts. How by trying to be ideal we are looking to get control of circumstances. How perfectionism can be a cure to bad outcomes (It is not!).
Fourth - about being humble and even top regs are making mistakes and don’t know everything.
And many more. I Recommend watching it!

Now about myself, for some time I was thinking why I’m so stressed, so anxious and why now it is so difficult to play. What changed in this year, compared to the start... Actually I found quite many insights which are interesting but one seems more relevant. Not sure how important it is and how effective it is. It is increased pressure (from life), responsibility (from life) and also thoughts about the future of poker (need to seize it right now). Results become more important and I need to play well and win. It is not only desire but also urge. When you lose you feel down and negative, start to overthink the future and visualize bad things. Especially when I can imagine that always winning is possible, those thoughts incorrect and just a fantazy, but why do guys like Linus, Cindy and others (many examples) always make winning months seem out of variance. If they can - means others also. If I can’t - something wrong with me and need to be perfect like they are. That's also the reason for perfectionism and idealism, the reason for disappointments when losing or when things don’t go well.

Two more days I will go over some of my thoughts and ask more questions. And Saturday I will study a bit of theory. To be honest while going through the psychology part I feel slightly easier and can see a little bit of benefit.
On the other hand when you do theory and go over hands, everyday you pretty much see blunders and mistakes. Always! That can be frustrating. For sure increase some irritation and anger. Self-comparison is important.

Also while playing, sometimes you can feel genius and other times like an idiot. If you play somewhat aggressively and creatively in situations, from time to time you're gonna mess up and be very wrong in assumptions. Poker is not an easy game. Important to keep going and show love to yourself.

#40

Ohh finally I somehow managed to overcome this week. It feels like crossing a mountain, river, and forest. Super drain emotionally and empty now. I gotta admit it is becoming way too difficult to play poker for me nowadays. To be honest today is the first day in a while (this year maybe) I feel hopelessness. I feel like ohh, it is just impossible and sad. It is an uphill battle with disadvantage. To clarify it is about emotions and feelings more, think technically poker also difficult but profitable.

When I started this blog and when the first months of this year rolled in, I felt better and less stressed. I Feel like my shoulders don’t have a burden and my head is free to look anywhere. Felt interested, motivated and excited.

Time passed by and now I can sense the change. The way mistakes hurt and make me overthink, the way losing brings pain, the way I become toxic and negative, the way I try too hard and push everywhere. Old habits start to kick in - incredible discipline, perfectionism, beating up for mistakes and blunders, too much thinking. That results in pretty much a feeling of hopelessness and discomfort while playing and after. Even slight despair.
Of course I never had good traits or good personality for poker ( I believe). Some things are rather difficult for me but others are easier. Which is what it is and I assume changing them might be close to impossible. So before I took it as it is, just accepting what qualities I have and letting them be. Why fight with something which is not possible to change?
Accept and let it be! Yeah, can’t be super good or excellent, can’t have awesome results or show best. But it is okay. Everyone is different and paths are also

I would like to bring that careless attitude from the start of this year. It felt different and more enjoyable. It felt like fun (at least a little bit more often). My plan is to next week just focus on reflection and my emotions and feelings. Just let myself be and not study anything pretty much. Play as usual but instead of theory or anything, read journals and notes, write some thoughts and go into questions. Be mindful with daily activities and notice when I feel rushed, urge to do something or strive for better. Gonna be a week for myself.
Caring is good, caring too much is not so sure as caring too little. I have had quite a big experience in the past with being too disciplined and too perfect. That didn’t go that well and I think it is not my way.

Here is a graph for this month. I checked 3 or 4 times this month which is a lot for me and tells me that something is going on. Didn’t run well, would say average with some lucky moments and dreadful. This is also the reason for my down mood, because I am quite result oriented (also lost few bi in untracked so overall around 0)

P.S. Overall I played quite allright, with mistakes and decent blunders, not ideal and not perfect - The way I wanted. I complain and dissatisfied with how hard it is to play and what emotions I feel while playing and after. It is difficult :/

Nope I don't play GG either and didn't know that they have deposit limits in the UK. Fair enough and make sense, seems difficult and unfortunate. Just follow a few regs blogs and see how they are doing there. Some are really good and others with ups and downs.
Rake is quite high even at nl5000 which is a big downside and less profitable obviously even if recrational is good. Stars in that sense are better, because you can at least somehow estimate that you are beating table rake.
Good strategy is to bink some MTT to roll it up and start playing high stakes like a normal donkey :D Yeah, just kidding, but it does bring back the past memories of some people who did like that (recs). Well at least those people were fearless and took a lot of chances in their path.

#39
October is going as it is. I’m playing poker and reminding myself to not become too serious, to remember enjoying the process and to have fun. Also about happiness.
I Did a little bit of reflection last week and this. Asking myself some questions such as: Why should I play poker? What do I want from poker?
What is happiness for me and what's going to bring it (it is a tricky one - wink wink)?
Besides reading one book about EGO. Quite difficult to be honest and I feel like I need to read it twice. Learning some concepts and how it is applying to me. I have quite a big ego ( I believe). Really protecting it and identifying with myself. Protecting my image and something else. I am not even sure, I don't want to look stupid and want to be a person who is above others (yeah, that’s the clear now). If you put yourself higher than others of course it is because of believing that I’m unique and special. Everyone is normal but I have the superpower.

Maybe it is not too bad at some point, even if I can find good things in it. But not so clear and for sure can improve. In that sense I am now posting a graph just at the end of the month. Maybe sometimes as well here and there but don’t want to boost myself higher.
Easy to increase expectations when things are going good and confidence is high because everything is working out. Easy to look for fame, recognition and popularity.
When unlucky and struggling, you start to feel unhappiness and discomfort. Overthink about the future and feel like I need to do more and for longer. Sense of unfinished work and desire to get satisfaction.
It is not nice to finish the day and feel awful. Oh that's unpleasant and nobody wants that. To not feel awful after a bad day, you need to push beyond the limits. Need to try hard and also maximise your time.

Hm when poker goes good - can feel relief, confidence and contentment.
When not well- frustration and desire to work more (overwork and burn energy). Maybe that's why it's hard to leave the games when you are losing.

One observation is that there are periods when you feel so overwhelmed and so stressed out that actually it starts to bring peace and a feeling of happiness. Don’t know what it call or give an example just even extreme tilt can transform into a calming state.

Allright, a few weird hands and lets call it an update. Time to study and enjoy the evening. Click buttons for 2 more days and weekends. Phew!
Good luck to everybody and have a happy week <3

P.S. One hand vs recrational player (nice one, not a tight and dry guy). I like to post losing hands more, make me think that I don't know anything. Which is the truth.

I'm okay, just trying to have fun and happiness. Always forgetting about those two important things.
Absolutely agree, it's easy to be negative and complain about the games. And compare it with 5-10 years ago and tell times were better back then. Grass was greener and the air was cleaner. Yes, let's enjoy it while it goes. Poker is fun and having the opportunity to play this game is wonderful.
Do you think about GG or apps? For playing higher than stars. GG has 5k games very often and being very good reg you have a great chance of doing great. Some people took a lot of money from it and showed very nice results.

I saw you playing nl5k 9max other day. Table wasn't particulary good and rec was dry :P
Ahh I miss times when nl5k tables were as much as nl500 nowadays. Now even one table feels like a santa gift

#38
Finished playing this week. Oh, it wasn't easy at all and I felt like I was battling like a lion. Both the technical side and emotional side were rather difficult but much better in stamina and physical energy. Not so tired and feel somewhat fresh. That's a good thing and weekend rest also gonna restore my mental energy.
It is better to underplay than overplay in my approach. For example, I have some energy left after finishing the sessions, than feel drained and exhausted.

Players nowadays are quite good. Aggressive and smart. For sure everyone improved since the start of the year and it is harder to play. Some people can cause huge annoyance and irritation and need to be aware of that. On both sides - not only my side but also theirs. For sure I also can get on nerves with someone, and make them feel pretty angry. Usually more aggressive and unconventional you play more emotion you can create. There is even one thing to choose some ‘‘stupid’’ and non-existent line to level (outplay, outsmart) another player. Sometimes you need to play value in a fish way to make - enrage, madden, drive wild. But let’s not forget variance and it can create actually opposite and influence everything.

For a couple of weeks I started to notice than become too serious with the game and poker. Like fighting, battling, too rigid, and too serious. It certainly has benefits - very high involvement, high motivation, increased amount of energy and striving for perfection, trying hard and looking for more opportunities. Other sides - harder to take losses, harder to let go of mistakes, feeling of dissatisfaction and less joy of playing.
Don’t know where to put EGO :/ Could be everywhere
Also don’t know where to put expectations :/

Personally in my preference (might be totally wrong) the easier approach and fun clicking buttons suits me. Being slightly careless, not so much serions and joyful. It is enjoyable. Kinda need it!
Reminding myself that I love poker and really like many things about it. Easy to forget it and solely focus on results and quality of plays. Which is not even controllable.

Hehe

Quick daily update:
In the first session there was a very good run, the card was coming and luck was on my side. I started playing with anxiety, worries and stress. It was uncomfortable, but there are also positive aspects - focus and involvement, increased attention (though also taking more energy). I was afraid of losses, unpleasant situations and the fact that I would not know what to do and would make a mistake that would bring emotional pain and frustration. It is better to think that everything is fine and believe in it.

The second session, the variance is not in my favour and some situations are unpleasant. I am unhappy with the outcome of one hand, namely the result and not how I played. The spot is rare and I am not sure of my action, maybe it was played well, maybe not. For a certain period of time I played many tables and felt great. There was almost no anxiety, but there were moments where it seemed that I did not fully think about my actions and played as I wanted (autopilot). Sometimes thoughts come to me about the ideal game and that you need to play exactly like this, try and do everything possible.

The last session is tilting, tilting spots and situations. Poker seems like a complete failure, folds against my value bets and my calls where they show value. Good situations for bluffing get raised, etc. It was hard and unpleasant, after the end of the session there was super discomfort and a feeling of boiling inside. The brain is foggy. It is not surprising that I try to avoid such feelings and sensations (fear of losing, mistakes, emotions and failure), because this state is difficult if you describe it briefly. In general, the day was not easy, but I coped as best I could. Well, it went well.
Although I feel strong emotions during the game, they dissipate quite quickly. Even 30 minutes after the game I start to feel comfortable, and an hour later I am 80% recovered. Of course, part will remain in a passive state, but there is no way around it.
Observation: Anxiety, by the way, is not such a bad thing. While there are obviously aspects of it that you may not like, there are also aspects that help during the game. Namely, concentration, focus, and involvement.

P.S. I don't really like to write about stuff like this. But it is the way to learn, way to observe and can be helpful for myself and hopefully others. Today I will buy notepad!

Quick daily update:
For now I don’t have a notepad for the paper and pen version. My last one is finished and I haven't bought a new one yet. Will write here instead and also gonna post some hands.

Today was a difficult and stressful day, feeling overwhelmed and anxious while playing. Didn’t run particularly great and overall below average.
First session felt actually pretty good but my plays didn’t work and I felt angry at other players. Spotted two plays which I didn’t like and wanted to write in the chat. Desire was huge but somehow I managed to keep silent.
My ego and expectations probably were high and I wanted to win too much. Besides yesterday before sleep I was thinking which games I should be playing in the future if things are going well (little bit of dreaming), nl5000 GG or something else. That boosted my ego and expectations because now I am playing for my big goal. Now losing is twice/three times harder. Because it is taking away dreams and bringing a lot of pain.
Being result oriented is too hard for me personally. Waiting for good results brings stress and anxiety, worry and overwhelming. Thinking I’m strong brings high emotion when I lose or something does not work as I want.

Rest of the day was swingy - winning, losing, winning, losing, tough and annoying spots, nice and amazing situations.
Less energy to my last session and also accumulated emotions. Phew day is finished and that's a relief.

This is it. Now let's look at some spots. They're gonna land me down, since some are played very spewy and random.

September

Plus some untracked rooms and overall results like above (difference less than 1bi)

September was an eventful month and interesting. Experienced both good run and bad run, also normal period. Which shows the difference in poker, variance is impactful and vivid. Can affect a lot, even (especially) in a short period of time.
Didn't play so much hands this months because of few factors: 1)less action 2)felt anxious 3)unlucky period was difficult for me
Losing is always difficult no matter what. It is easier when you have already awesome results and it doesn't affect much or when it is super clear, bad beats or coolers. Also easier when you have a lot of good action and know in the future it will remain the same.
I'm happy with the amount of hours I played and the amount of hours I spent studying and learning. I can't honestly say that I feel like I should've played more or better. Knowing my limits and my abilities.
In life everything is somewhat smooth and solid also. I'm grateful for that! Start to feel more anxious though and uncomfortable. Which also resulted in additional stress. Just an observation and how I feel towards some things.

Some thoughts and ideas from this month:
1. Losing is always difficult. Difficulty can vary and depend on many things. Well if losing was easy, would it be interesting to play, study? Would motivation decrease? Would it be less/more enjoyable to think about poker?
2. Anxiety. First session and last. Big spots. Many tables. Winning and after losing. Anxiety and fears. Anxiety and worry.
3. Poker is a complicated game. Can't learn everything, can't remember all and can't avoid forgetting something. Even if you just studied it, it doesn't mean you learnt it fully and will always know. Less frequent spots are gonna cause troubles, Multiways will eat a lot of energy and other players are gonna put me in a lot of situations I'm not familiar with. That's the reason for stress, worry and anxiety.

Now few goals for October:

1) Playing a few tables, out of my comfort zone is better!
2) Working with theory and reflecting thoughts, feelings, emotions.
3) Medium level of trying

On Wednesday I'm gonna post a few hands and maybe write something. After a lucky month and good results I need to watch expectations, ego and how I feel about quality of my game. Pretty easy to take luck for skill and increase desires, compare yourself with top regs and put above other players, thinking I know a lot and my mental game is amazing...

Good luck in October!

#37

#Week or more ago I went over the hands of one big winner on my stakes. Even so, I am not sure it is practical or has a lot of benefits. However it was very cool to see his approach. He is doing some things differently than most and his strategy is far (If I can tell) from GTO. Both preflop and postflop.
I don’t remember everything because I didn’t try to memorise or use it for myself. It might not work for me as well. Nevertheless in my opinion it is very good to see something new, something unorthodox and which can raise uncertainty and debate. He is exploiting the population quite decently considering his results. For sure have experience and done his homework.
Some notes: overdefending blinds vs RFI, overdefending vs 3bets, RFI is high as well from most positions… Postflop he is sticky and not folding vs probe, far more often check/raise than GTO, mergy with second barrel, and surprisingly on my sample he never gives up after 2 barrels bluff. But he might bluff less on the flop and put those combos in different lines. I didn’t go that deep into knowing…

#Now another thing - I want to apologise to myself. Last week I wrote that I noticed that it is hard for me to play a couple of tables and sometimes I’m too stressed and anxious. It is not always like that and Monday morning I felt really good playing a couple of tables - sharp and feeling great.
The truth is, that amount of action has dropped since June and that’s also the reason why I struggle more. Because now I get used to playing just one table without any other additional action. For example this monday I sat for 1 hour and a half looking in the lobby and didn’t find absolutely anything reasonable. After those long breaks the brain becomes slow and lazy. Very positive thing is that my mind adjusted to playing little tables without feeling boring or uninterested, considering the amount of games nowadays seems very useful.

Can’t be unhappy with myself, since I adjusted to those periods when I need to show patience and wait for games to pop up. Thoughts come during that time and also I spend energy doing nothing(in material sense).
This brings me to consideration, What to do? Where to find action? Options (from most appealing to least):
1)Find pokerrom with at least little action (no apps)
2)Regwar ipoker, chico, etc. Where it is pretty much always have some 400-500 tables running and possibility of recreational player
3)Start GGpoker
4)Add nl200 in dry times

Need some time to think about it and research as well. To be fair I will consider it and might find a solution soon.

#Now let’s observe emotions and maybe notice something… maybe not… There is always time to learn and watch!
A)Fear - very reasonable feeling and very wide. From being afraid of making mistakes, losing, failure, tilt, some ‘‘negative emotions’’.
For myself it is a common one. Correlate with negative thoughts, perfectionism and catastrophic mindset. Increasing anxiety, worry, disturbance.
Vary day to day and affected by many other factors.
Fears are good since they are protecting and they also show limits, show possible outcomes and show tough areas. Fears are not so difficult to notice and see. Accepting…
B)Satisfaction (complacency) - feeling of accomplishment, nice and warm emotion, sensation of reaching targets. Actually (for some reason) after playing some amount of hands or winning, I start to feel lazy and less interested. Like all good now and I don’t want anything else (now). It is interesting since it is bringing even some laziness and apathy.
Feel fulfilled and want to end the day with that feeling. Obviously don’t want to go out of that comfort zone to stress, anger, envy, displeasure.
C)Anxious state - this one is also very interesting. Sometimes I have it more and sometimes less. Quite easy to spot. Connected and tied with fears, with low-confidence and with perfectionism, with too much pressure. Bound to tilt. But tilt is also connected with pretty much everything above. It is like when you play, one thing can be the reason for many outcomes (in emotional area). Maybe that’s why it is useful to not think too much while playing (but what comes first emotion or thought? For example after a bad beat). Nevertheless another side is going to autopilot and careless mode.

Not entirely sure about all of that. But I am interested to learn, study and find some clues. Reading books, journaling, reflecting and just looking around. Want to go over my journal soon and read past thoughts from months ago.

#36

Didn’t update for quite some time. Actually I wanted to update in multiple days during this week but didn’t find time. Was busy with studying, which I did a lot of this week. Find inspiration and motivation, energy and power. Surprisingly easy to study and rarely felt lazy or unfocused. Great ongoing process. Even today I felt sad that I couldn't put in more hours and needed to rest on the weekend!
This week went relatively well. Compared to the last one which was super tough. Mentally, physically and technically. A lot of tough and annoying spots, unpleasant situations and unfortunate outcomes. Even felt like I’m doing things wrong. Which is a natural and normal feeling because some of the plays are marginal and close. And if they do not work, it is easy to consider it a mistake or blunder. Blame myself and be unhappy about quality.

There is one thing which is bothering me and makes me dissatisfied. When I play a few tables, I start to stress a lot and feel uncomfortable. Very hard sometimes and anxious. Maybe it is due to the fact that when I go back home I play one table super often, due to lack of action and also power to focus on two tables. Now even a few are overwhelming and similar to playing super high. It is not always, mostly at the start and at the finish.
Also had few observations and few interesting thoughts. However I forgot it now. Well maybe I'll recall it in the future.

Let’s keep playing and see how things will go. Being uncomfortable is a good thing for sure, a comfort zone can become a habit and too nice to change, too warm and too sweet. Sometimes you need to go out there and do difficult stuff, it is not pleasant and enjoyable but it gives you improvement and development. It gives you happiness, gives you motivation, gives you power.
Pretty much the same can be said about trying to play higher stakes. Too much stress, too unpleasant and too bad sometimes. But if we never try, where is it gonna bring us, do we want it? Just trying and don’t really wait for results and outcome, just being there and experiencing it. Put yourself there and feel it fully.
Lets go! Lets go! Lets go!

#35
Today was quite an unlucky day. Super difficult from technical and emotional sides. I was observant of what was going on and how I am feeling.

1. Losing is hard. No matter how good my results, no matter how good redline, no matter the stakes, no matter how I felt previously. Sometimes I have a feeling that it is hard to tilt, it is possible to stay somewhat calm and be comfortable. Nope, that feeling is just an illusion. There are always days when I feel so emotional and so stressed out. Actually when I took a break today, my hand was shaking a little bit and my teeth ‘’tap dance’’.
   Losing can be different - if you lose every single session during the day it is harder. If I lose a lot in a short time - that’s hard. If you lose in a super aggressive game - also tough.

2. When I lose my brain starts overthinking and goes into fighting mode. Probably that mode brings anger and annoyance. Bring more emotions, since we are targeting to win. Which would make sense in a real battle.
   Some things become impossible to do. Even for example complimenting someone. Like so much resistance inside. Easier to do push ups or run 1 km than do it.
   That’s weird from a clear mind standpoint. Like why is it so tough to do??? But it is!
   I know it and feel it frequently. Don’t want to talk with anybody or smile.

3. What helps to be more stable and stronger : a) being fresh or well rested b)positive attitude and happiness c)being sad also might help d)low ego and low expectations

4. What brings annoyance and displeasure: a) problems and issues in real life b)no good actions c)being tired d) mistakes, difficult close hands e)being ‘‘owned’’

5. What does losing mean to me? Failing, being vulnerable, being unworthy?
   Taking a step back with my goals and dreams?
   Ruining ‘‘my perfect image of myself’’?
   Being weak or negative?
   Losing certainly brings negative thoughts about future and catastrophic thinking.

During the game, luckily I made good observations and followed my feelings and emotions. Actually I improved (hopefully) in accepting myself, accepting that my capability is different from others; also love more. Not trying to be the best, not pushing every limit, taking it slow and care less.

Okay, I will study a bit. Gonna write more next week!
Good luck!

#34

This month so far is going well. I had a very good day, had a medium and had bad also. Additionally won a bit more in untracked rooms (~800$).
Trying to be present and in the moment (well trying is not such a nice word, reminding - is what sounds more close), not gonna say that it is easy and sometimes I’m becoming judgemental and negative. Also thoughts coming quite frequently.
Was more happy this week than last month. But again it is due to circumstances and how things are going, including poker. Not because I improved and dealt better with what going on.

Today I bluffed a bit and seemed like I got called mostly. Had decent situations to bluff and also had situations where I bluffed recreational players. At least made 2 big interesting bluffs. Both didn’t work but my opponents were tanking. Not sure what to take from it. But getting snapcalled would also not mean a lot.
My bluffcatched worked though which is rather nice. But I don't want to focus too much on both of this details.
Games however were juicy today and I really enjoyed playing.

I was watching a podcast with one HS player. In that video he described that while playing GG he made an interesting observation. In games like nl20000 and higher, people play quite accurately. Like not bluffing a lot and also not folding a lot. And with the last point of that sentence I spent some time thinking. Yeah, it does make sense because it is easier to call more in certain spots. Easier to find reasons to overcall than overfold (Talking about nosebleed players). As generally easier to overbluff than underbluff.
Don’t know if I will ever play nl5000 or how things will go in the future. But, yes playing accurately might resonate with those stakes.
Prefer to play some amount of hands and really look into dynamic, but not confident it is realistic.
Quite cool to think about it, anyway.

#33

Back to Thailand. It is my fifth day here and today I played 3 sessions, for the first time here. Not a lot of hands and didn’t feel particularly inspired and interested. More lazy and without a spark.
Even though at some point I really got revenge and hate-losing tilt. Which means everything is nice. Means I care and I am involved!

As always, have some thoughts, have some ideas and have some worries. About the game, about the future and about many other things.
Noticing what I am feeling and what are the reasons behind some of my emotions. Diving into observation and reflection.

Ego, competition, comparison, desires, perfectionism, idealisation….
Care…
Motivation and inspiration…

Hm, always so interesting. Like a universe which have so many puzzles and even uncovering tiny parts can make ‘‘Wow’’ effect.
Feel a bit pressured now, feel tight, feel too disciplined and too rigid. Like a rock which is so heavy to move. Became also slightly idealist and striving for perfection. Forget to enjoy my time, to smile and to be present. To be in the moment. If say in poker terms - became too GTO and balanced. Don’t want to allow myself room for mistakes, blunders or playing out of the box.
With time it is like that I believe. I am that type of person who easily falls back to old behaviour and habits. Need to remind myself here and there. At first I play poker because I love it a lot, but after a while I forget that I love it and it is my job, after I forget pretty much everything and just want results. Quite easy to substitute concepts with time.

Setting goals

Now it's time to set some goals. I'm a bit surprised that I don’t have anything in that sense. Could be lack of motivation and interest is partly because of that. No excitement as well.
My goal is nl5000 at GGpoker. Try it, touch it, squeeze it.
Experience and see where it will bring me.

P.S. I think being positive in life is so underrated. Even positive because of illusions and unclear perception

August

Graph from main rooms. Overall results this month from 4500$ to 6500$. Super good!!!!

Yesterday I came back to Thailand and not gonna play till Monday.
This month I spent in my home and wasn’t particularly happy, actually opposite I found myself overthinking, being negative, toxic and catastrophic. Blue and melancholic.

A difficult month psychologically and emotionally. Depression, sadness, melancholy. Problems with interest, motivation and involvement. Poker was not always my priority. Overall, I did well - there were both good and bad periods. Mostly, I treated everything calmly, without excessive sadness or joy.
Considering all the components, circumstances and opportunities, I am pleased and happy with myself. I am happy with what happened, how it happened. I am grateful to myself, I tried and did everything in my power. Sometimes I gave up and tilted, sometimes I went all the way, got lost and found strength and motivation. I was sad, upset, and tired.
I will praise myself for my successes and forgive my failures. There are no regrets, we move on, I have acquired a lot.

Key thoughts:
1. I am what I am thinking (so powerful and really meaningful)
2. No expectations from poker or that it owes me anything
3. Losing always unpleasant
4. Good results increasing EGO and expectations
5. Forgiveness

Goals for next month:
1) Checking results every Friday (ONLY! Doesn’t matter what's going on, checking too often doesn’t seems to have benefits or increase quality of the plays)
2) Studying with interest (less time than before but more enjoyable)
3) Shot aggressively up to nl5000
4) Observing my state (Happiness, interest and joy, negative thoughts, annoyance and displeasure)

Good luck in September!
Stay healthy and overthink little bit less <3

#32
Hi!
Today let’s start with a few questions:

How are things going?

Three days in a row I feel really unlucky, getting into many tough situations and also wrong in a lot of those. Not correct assumptions and bad variance, playing aggressive and without immediate benefit. Actually in the last 3 days, everyday I have hit worse than 25% run each day (by my feelings and this is subjective). My graph took a deep dive. Well, that sucks and happens. If it was the other way around I would be contending for recording the best month.
It really does feel that things are not going well, not difficult to notice and realise it with logic. However with heart it is hard.
I hate losing and I hate when I get outplayed. In poker and pretty much any area of life. Even if my favourite team loses I also get angry and annoyed. That’s my quality and part of me. After that, I became more toxic and annoyed in general.

In two days I have a flight back to Thailand. That also feels a bit weird. I loved my time home at most, even though I wasn’t happy but it is not because of home. It is because of my thinking.
While in Thailand - also had unhappy moments and tough times. Wasn’t always easy or nice. Overthinking and feeling upset. But it is also based on me, not location.
Nevertheless I have huge anticipation towards it. It is like you are waiting for something a lot and that feeling is better than the actual event. Haha, exactly like that. Waiting is so good! However, when time passes it's gonna be gone. Maybe leaving emptiness and blank dreams.
Human nature I think. When we are kids and before christmas we are super excited about the presents and celebration, but when the day actually occurs we might be less happy than while we were waiting for it.

What's my plan?

Since I don’t run so well and certainly might not be playing excellently either. I will select more and cut the amount of tables.
Stakes gonna be the same, I dropped nl200 out of the lobby because that limit only brings additional tilt and gonna focus on nl400-nl1000. Rooms same as before. Might try applications later this year.
Gonna study as usual and find interest in it. Learning how to play aggressively and also learning from other players. Some of them are actually very good and have a lot to teach me. I have big respect for people who regwar in a high rake environment or in high stakes. Taking aggressive shots and risking. Embracing swings - winning and losing. Putting volume and spending time in the lab. Learning pool tendency and playing very exploitative poker.
For sure many players get what they deserve (in a good way I mean). And many players didn’t get. Obviously we don’t know what the future holds for us, we don’t know what will happen and how things will go. But we can be present, we can enjoy what we are doing, we can try to be happy just today. That’s enough.
We can be toxic sometimes and angry. Yes, why not? Why need to hold everything inside? We can be angry at other players or variance. No need to be perfect or ideal, no need to try to make everyone pleased and happy. No need to always try hard or strive for our dreams. Can have some time off and just relax fully, be lazy as much as can be.
It is good to be serious and dedicated, but maybe not all the time.

#31

+2300 untracked
Finished playing this week. Quite an unfortunate day today, nothing seemed to work and people owned me. In the morning I felt a bit careless, and wanted to win too much and made a few splashy plays (try hard). That didn’t work, however it made me a bit annoyed and angry. To be honest I didn’t have a great mood today at the start, not a happy mood for sure. Rather let's just get done with this day. Besides being a bit toxic. Mostly because of struggle and unhappiness…
(All of this is okay)

Yesterday night and for many nights I couldn't fall asleep easily. My mind is overthinking and I spent hours in bed. Even I have to introduce some routine to go to the toilet in order to clear my mind from thinking. Damn this is hard!
(This is also fine)

Don’t like to finish a week/month on a bad step. But yeah, nothing can be done there. It is as it is. Probably could’ve played better but who cares.
But I wish to have more fun and enjoyment. That would certainly help me. That I want!
(This is fine)

So far the month is going decently and luckily. However I don’t feel lucky but that's just an inner feeling. Sometimes my ego increases and my desire to win. Sometimes I start to think too much about myself (also my knowledge of the game and other players) and associate my value with my results. Or find happiness from it. Which by the way never lasted long. Actually I won’t be suprised if I make best month when I am depressed or feel very unhappy. Maybe last week I had a dream. In my dream I won the 100k usd from a tournament sunrunning everyone in the final table very badly.
(That’s alright)

Many interesting thoughts. Many interesting observations.
Today - I felt like I didn't care about playing. I Feel like I can’t afford to lose because I will be absolutely devastated. The only way I can be happy at this moment is if my results are good. After losing I felt angry and annoyed. After finishing playing - fire inside, energy and motivation to study. After some plays - I felt it didn't matter. Before some plays I felt super anxious.
During the day I am asking myself ‘‘What do I feel now?’’ - and that's the most valuable question I learned. Just noticing feelings and accepting, without a fight. Many of those feelings are super logical and make sense. Yeah, I am feeling XYZ because of ABC. Now why does ABC make me feel like that?
(All of those thoughts, emotions, feelings are okay)

We are all humans with strong sides and weak sides. Actually I think it is impossible to not have weak sides. Some of those might feel really frustrating. Some of the good sides might be never noticed or taken into account.

Allright, enough thinking. Will have 2 days off and back on Monday. Will play and let’s see how it goes. Some things might work and some not. Anyway, I'm gonna have fun! Gonna enjoy it and be happy that I can play a beautiful game. Being playing for so long and still loving it, Wow.

Hands:

Why do other hands get lost? I can’t find it in h2n. I didn’t mark it but I know the action and room. Super weird. Anyway they were out of line and spew :D

#30
Decided to write some thoughts today. This week I played 2,5 days and my ran is good and lucky. Nl1000 and nl500 going great for a couple of days straight. Even though I didn’t play so much.
At this point many things which I’ve done at the table worked and the game seems rather easy. Especially because I’ve been lucky enough that not many tough spots ariseed and many of those I avoided (by variance).
Confidence is improved and overall feeling. Motivation and inspiration are pretty much the same. Happiness also.
Well I don’t want to conclude anything or stress too much about it. When you are lucky your aggression will be higher and it is gonna work so the red line gonna be up as green also. When you are lucky your bluffs don’t get called or re pushed which is also good.
When you are lucky you feel stronger.
I played normal as usual, nothing spectacular or to be proud of. Not even much more focused than before. Just played my game and clicked buttons. Not perfect, not ideal, with stress and overthinking.

You know. I am so done with those negative thoughts and constant unhappiness. For how long I have been like that?
5, 10, 20 years…
Damn this is not even funny. When most of my days become miserable because of my thoughts. Only chance for happiness is outside (external). Mood swings and many more.
It is not about poker. Not poker related. Actually, playing poker is the bright side of my day.
Just I feel so bad very often and this is absolutely tough, difficult. Hurts and pain. Reason why I feel like that? Low self confidence and self love, easy to feel not appreciated and valued enough, scared of many things which can happen. Situations can be pretty much any important thing for me - family and so on…
For example this month: 21 days already. How many times did I feel really happy? maybe 2-6. How many was on average? 2-6. How many are terrible? More than half.
Been reading some books, been journaling as well, been trying to be present, trying to focus on the moment, noticing my thoughts and letting them go. Results - not much to be excited about.
Quite sad about it. You live your life, everything seems rather good but everyday you manage to feel like hell. Because of things occuring to you, because of the way you think about everything. You are what you are thinking about yourself and around...

This week is done (+500 untracked)

Today I got hot run at nl1000 winning 1,5 BI. But overall last couple of days were super difficult and stressing. Many times after finishing the session, I really couldn't think anything and was emotionally crushed. So Tough!
Running above EV but at the same time I don't feel lucky. Yes, sometimes you can notice it easily but I didn't notice any hot run (except nl1000 of course), or things go really well for me. Besides I have untracked room where I lost since last week but still up . And in there also things were rough and played bunch of hands there (in my POV, maybe 500-700 hands including some nl1000).

#29
Today I continued where I left off yesterday. Emotional, anxious, trying too hard and with idealisation. First hour wasn’t pleasant, and also the 4th and fifth. Feel like I care too much, I am too sensitive and too attached.

Try hard strategy and follow GTO or optimal play. Ruminating and overthinking, even slightly obsessed. Of course that adds extra stress which isn't a bad thing. I love playing when I'm stressed and when I don't feel optimal. Because if easy isn't interesting. Actually I didn’t lose sense of the game and flow. However I remind myself of strategy and approach way too often. Abundance!

Years ago I was ruminating a lot and my experience tells me to not do it anymore. Have positives and negatives, but one of the biggest reasons is that it is reducing enjoyment and fun. Even though probably some benefit is concentration and focus.

Also high expectations, EGO, happiness from results, urge to win and perfectionism. Standard stuff which comes along the way.

In the afternoon I just put it out. Studied 1 hour and finished. Didn’t even study too hard just go over some hands and play vs trainer. Have the rest of the day off. Slow and as it goes. Will be lazy and allow myself to relax without worries.