I opened this journal a while ago and it was a failure, I wouldn't say a complete one, but indeed it was well below my expectation. What happened? Well, I was seeing a girl way older than me (16+ yo) and she literally sucked out my life, not with BJs unfortunately. I don't want to elaborate much for now, but if someone is interested I can do it for sure. Let's just say, she was a completely different woman when I've met her and I fall for her. The issue is the woman was just a product of my imagination, nothing was really there. I squandered One month exactly on her, constantly thinking her in a loop. One month totally wasted where I've played only 5k hands, studied close to zero and suffered a ton. I've lost 4 Kgs due to depression/anxiety and most importantly I've lost my smile; everybody noticed that. Rationally, I don't like her, not even close, but probably I'm attached to my first impression or probably I'm just angry to be angry, dunno, what I know is that I gotta get rid of her. 2018 began, not for me yet... it's time to make my first step toward my new life, it's time to say her my goodbyes. Tonight, that's exactly what's is going to happen.
My suffering wasn't vain, it highlighted something it was always there, but I was too blind to see: I don't have the life I've always longed for. If I had it I would kicked the woman ass long time ago, instead I've idealized her and totally forgot me. You know, if you live a life worth living, you won't spend your time with people you don't really want in your life. What I've done instead was to see her as a solution to my problems. Guess what? Problems would still remain, no matter how good she would be.
So in the end, It's all about me, the woman just amplified my condition, but she wasn't the source of it.
Anyway I'm 31, returned to live with my parents due lacking money, I don't enjoy life anymore, I don't buy a new piece of cloth since a year, I feel more alone than ever in the poker world etc. This isn't the like I was thinking years ago, not in the least.
I gotta be fair though, I got many friends who support me, I play poker and my gains are a direct results of my efforts. I have no shackles: no GF, no kids, no full-time job, no attachment that prevents me to leave my country. The real issue would be had married a wrong girl, had kids, had a hated job and other things, this would be tragic. So the big picture isn't that scary as I'm seeing right now, but it isn't an ideal one.
I will try to update as much as I can about my poker journey (more in the later posts) and about my life