Hi,

First of all I would like to say hello to everyone who will read the thread. I'm playing poker for a while: live games, cash games and some MTTs aswell(less nowadays due to my full time job).
I would like to share my problem witth you. I have never had good friends in poker world who could pull my up when Im down. This is really dissapointing me. The only firends which I know from poker are the dudes that are complaining all the time and rarely try to progress. It is almost impossible to get any kind of support from them when Im already struggling. I almost always do opposite for them.. So im playing on my own for couple of years and I still sucks. And tbh the technicall aspect of the game is not in the worst shape i would say. the main thing is problem with myself. I dont know what to do in such a moments.
Some time ago I thought Im tilting due to financial uncertainty mostly. But now when I have a kinda ok job the shiit is looping again.
I dont know what is that. I dont know what is that but I feel like powerless to fight with that sometimes.. It is hard even to get briefly thoughts about that and what I would like to say exactly..
As I feel what my main problems are I am going to point them right now:
1) EGO <- shiit is real when u think u deserve better but u still cant handle loosing to average REG at ur stakes.

2) Lenght of the session !?!? I never know when to finish.. sometimes Im up for several buy ins but still cant leave the tables, When Im down i t is even harder. I love playign ? or Im addicted ? (might be but always thought I am deffinetly not). When im lets say playing 2 zoom tables and have 890 BB i always want over 1000BB, or 500 and 500 on both of them. Shiit is real and after that I recogineze this Im starting loosing.. this is so fuuckin stupid. After that when lets say i loose 200bb Im getting mad at myself like for real and starting to complain that I never have luck. But tbh in my life outside of poker Im so much thankful for everything i have and Im pretty sure that I have tones of luck.

3) When I lost a big hand no matter if its cooler/bad beat/ or my mistake Im insta marking the villain/hand looking for him on the table to make a note but still in my head is this sick little thing to get equal with... Another time when shit is real.. After that ofc im playing much looser

3) When sometimes.. i make a deadline for my game lets say midnight I always find my self counting stacks. When lets say im getting closer to the end time of the session (10-15 minutes) Im almost always loosing a bit. WTF ? Always same shiit and it is like self-fulfilling prophecy. I am so fu%^#$^ aware of this but cant do much. I dont know what I should do .. In that moment i know that 95% of the time im gonna loose (ofc like always..). And again, when I lost let say 50bb Im lenghten the session for 15-45min or so..

4) I prefer loosing at the beginning. This is sad but true in my case. I prefer to loose at the beginning of the sesh instead of winning couple of buyins and loose them later. The second case is big trigger for my tilting beast mode.. And again Sh is Re...
Im so pissed when I win and after some perioid of time im gonna give it back to the pool and wasting so much time. Im usually playing like 3-5 h of cash games after my full time job. Usually late hours unfortunetly or not.. idk tbh.
When I lost at the beginning I try to do not think about it, things I have no influence on. And most of the time when I take this approach im going back on good tracks. But if the situation is opposite im mad that again this is happening.

Im not explecting money from poker Im expecting only progress for now but I cant really go up withi this kind of problems. I cant even talk to anyone about that. In my country poker it is not well received.
I really need help to Improve. I know I can play well and smart but have big mental issues. When I play mtts im tilting but bot that much but in cash games is different. Live games I almost never titlt that much.. Idk, maybe Im tired and should not play each day of the weak or 5 out o 7 lets say.. But i want to move up faster and play more hands..Im spewing my winnings away.. There are probably tones of other leaks but those are the most felt by myself I would say..
please guys... give me some advice, tips or just fuuckin understanding.

Let my fly one day..

cheers